


Crush

by mrsmikey1995



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Bottom Louis, Dirty Talk, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Gay Sex, Heartbreak, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Oral Sex, Pining, Rimming, Smut, Top Harry, i wish i was better at tagging im so sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:09:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23509681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsmikey1995/pseuds/mrsmikey1995
Summary: Based off the song Crush by Mandy Moore
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Harry Styles/Original Female Character(s), Louis Tomlinson/Original Male Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 45





	Crush

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I didn't realize until after I wrote this that this is eerily canny to what I was going through when I was writing it and looking back at it makes me laugh. A lot of people liked this in my big book of smuts so I posted it separate too. thank you!

You know everything that I'm afraid of

You do everything I wish I did

Everybody wants you, everybody loves you

Louis wasn’t angry that Harry knew everything about him. He knew that. It _was_ his fault, after all. Harry was always the person Louis went to. For everything. The one he told everything. Why he was upset, why he was happy, what he ate that day, or the consistency it was when it came back up if he was sick. There isn’t a single thing Harry _didn’t_ know about him. And likewise, when it was the other way around. Louis knew too much about Harry. That’s just the way it was, and Louis would never change that. Ever. But something that Louis _would_ change is how confident Harry was. 

And not in the sense that he wishes Harry wouldn’t wear obnoxiously looking clothing and feel himself the entire time. Not in the sense that Harry could literally strike up a conversation with any human beings he met, and make them instantly fall in love with him. But in the sense that Harry was always so open with his feelings. He always laid himself bare in front of people and was 100% honest with everyone. He could easily be vulnerable, and easily lay every part of himself on the table in front of everyone’s eyes and not even be phased, because he was just so loving towards people. The first thing he’d do once you started to get close was rip himself open for you to see. 

But Harry was even _more_ confident with Louis, because he didn’t have a reason _not_ to be. Louis was his best friend, and he knew everything about Harry, and Harry knew he would never judge him. So, naturally, Harry trusts Louis with more than he trusts people he’s just starting to get to know, no matter how okay he is with being so open all the time. Harry told Louis the things he’d never told anyone else, _ever._ And he was okay with that. He was totally cool with Louis knowing every little thing about him, because he didn’t see an issue with it. 

But Louis did. He did see the issue that came along with that. The issue was never Harry directly, but the issue _was_ because of Harry. The issue was that there was _nothing_ wrong with Harry. He was so honest, and kind, and sweet to every person he met. He was welcoming, and compassionate, and just a good, genuine human being, and he was never unkind to anyone that Louis could even remember. Harry had amazing grades, and cared about his school and work. He cared about his friends, and held his family closer to his heart than _anything_. He volunteered at animal shelters, and would sometimes go to the local hospital to read to the sick kids, and just keep them company. He wasn’t a hardcore religious man, but he did believe in a God, and he believed in a God that made all of his people to be happy. He was so supportive of everyone he knew, and he never judged anyone for anything, even if it was something that had been eating them alive. A major example of this had been when Louis had came out. Harry had a girlfriend at the time, and the girlfriend had always made slightly homophobic remarks whenever she’d see something that related to the subject of anyone being homosexual. . . and Harry obviously didn’t appreciate it. He’d made it known that he didn’t like her saying stuff like that about people, but she’d always somehow sweet talk him into believing she was just joking, and Harry would just go with it, because he had really liked her. 

Louis had known he was gay since the first time he watched Harry play football in the seventh grade, watching him punt the ball from one goal to the other. . . dive and slide into people to make the harder saves. Louis had popped a stiffy sitting in the stands, and that was long before he got himself into the mess he’s in now, as a grown ass man. But even though Louis always knew in the back of his head that he liked boys more than girls, he never really admitted it to himself, because he never really had to. He really didn’t. He had a handful of girlfriends before, so he wasn’t totally sex deprived, but he had never had a boyfriend, or a guy that he had the hots for near him 24/7. That was, until he moved in with Harry at the start of Uni. Then, he _really_ had to admit to himself, “yeah, I’m gay. Topless visions of Harry are the only things that are stored in my wank bank anymore. I definitely like boys”. And once he finally admitted this to himself, he spent the majority of himself trying to hide it. Not because he didn’t like the idea of being gay, he just didn’t like the idea of Harry not liking the idea of him being gay. Because, if his girlfriend didn’t like it, Louis didn’t know how Harry would react. But keeping such a large part of himself hidden away from Harry started bothering him so much that he couldn’t sleep, and didn’t want to stay at the house because Harry’s girlfriend was there and the feeling eating away at his gut was too much for him to deal with. 

Needless to say, Harry started noticing, and basically corned him the second Louis had to come home, because he had ran out of clean clothes at Niall’s.

“Did I do something?” Harry asked, looking at Louis straight in the eyes, genuine hurt flashing behind them. The fact that Louis obviously ignoring Harry had hurt him enough to become this worried didn’t sit well with Louis at all. So he just cut to the chase. Ripped it off like a bandaid.

“I like boys. Like, a lot. Like. I don’t like girls anymore. At all. They weird me out. And I didn’t want to tell you, because I didn’t know what you’d say. Because I know that Taylor isn’t exactly _okay_ with people like me and I didn’t want to make either of you uncomfortable in your own home, so I just stopped coming home when I knew she was here. And then once I realized that I _did_ want to tell you, but still couldn’t bring myself to, I just started staying at Niall’s. I’m sorry.” Louis rambled, sucking in a large breath at the end of his revelation, keeping his eyes trained on Harry’s worn out converse that made Louis cringe every time he’d forget to take them off before jumping onto the couch to cuddle or watch a movie. 

“Did you really think I’d judge you for that?” Harry asked, causing Louis’ head to snap up from where they were glued to Harry’s shoes. He was searching Louis’ face for any kind of explanation that could make sense of the sudden abandonment Louis had caused the past week. Harry’s eyes didn’t look hurt anymore, they just looked confused.

“No! Of course I didn’t think you’d think differently, I just. I don’t know.” Louis said, subconsciously rubbing at his arm. “You have to notice the stuff that Taylor says sometimes, because Lord knows that I do. I just didn’t want to ruin anything for you two by stirring up trouble, I guess.” Next thing Louis knew, Harry was wrapping his arms around him and spinning him in a circle, before setting him down and kissing him on the top of the head.

“If Taylor has a problem with it, then she can leave.” Harry stated simply. “You mean more to me than any girl ever could Lou. I love you, and I’m so thankful that you could tell me something this big. Please don’t ever feel like I’m going to think differently of you or treat you differently or not want you to be a part of my life, just because of something that’s going on with you.” 

And Taylor _did_ end up leaving. She said that she, “didn’t want to feel threatened about her man, from another man,” and “he’s probably gonna try and fuck you too, but don’t get your hopes up ‘babe’, he doesn’t put out. Especially for people like _you_ .” and Louis wasn’t even mad at the rude comments, he just really never wanted to think about someone trying to engage in sexual activities with Harry. It’s not something he’d enjoy to have in his brain, ever. But Harry was definitely mad. He had told Taylor to get out, before slamming the door on her face as soon as she got into the hallway. He had apologized to Louis for _days_ after that, vowing to have a Ghost Adventures marathon with him for a whole week if it’d make Louis understand how upset with her that he was. But Louis was never upset with Harry, couldn’t _ever_ be upset with Harry. How could he be?

So the issue in itself, is. . . there’s nothing wrong with Harry. He was amazing on the inside and on the outside, he was confident enough to always let everyone know how he felt, and he never gave anyone a reason to dislike him. The issue was that the things Louis knew he should ignore, and push away, only came rushing back to him harder and more fiercely the more he tried to ignore them, and Harry wasn’t even doing it on purpose. 

I know I should tell you how I feel

I wish everyone would disappear

Every time you call me, I'm too scared to be me

And I'm too shy to say

Ooh, I got a crush on you

I hope you feel the way that I do

I get a rush

When I'm with you

Ooh, I've got a crush on you

A crush on you

Louis and Harry moved in together at the start of Uni, which was now three years ago. Harry had been dating Taylor, but broke up with her because Louis had came out and she attacked him with crude comments, again, three years ago. It’s been _three years_ , and the only thing that has changed, is that Harry Styles has somehow managed to become even better of a person then he was then. 

In honor of Louis, unbeknownst to everyone else, Harry created the first LGBTQ+ friendly club at their Uni, and had ended up nominating Louis as president, as to which everyone else in the group agreed. Harry and Louis now had two cats, which Harry saved from the shelters he volunteered at when no one else wanted them and they were looking at their last days, and Harry has become a regular at the hospitals he visits and they call him in often, asking for him to come in and cheer everyone up. So basically, nothing has really changed. While that fact is true, one thing has become more apparent. 

Louis is utterly, idiotically, and crazily in love with Harry Styles. Louis doesn’t know when it actually hit him, which it did, like a dump truck to the face, but when it did he had locked himself in his room for an entire day claiming that he was “too sick to be seen in his condition”. To which Harry had replied with,

“You know I don’t care about how you look baby boy, I just want to help.”

Which clearly did not help Louis’ case whatsoever as he was crying into his pillow. And honestly? It shouldn’t have been that big of a deal, and it really shouldn’t have been that big of a surprise. Because logically, it made plenty of sense. Harry was the first boy he ever got hard because of. Harry was the first boy he ever fantasized over. Harry was the cause of Louis’ first case of ugly jealousy. Harry was the only guy he was friends with that he couldn’t look at for too long without either literally drooling, or getting major heart eyes over. Harry was his only male friend that he couldn’t pull his eyes off of when they all went out to a club. Harry was the only guy Louis couldn’t see his future without, and was the only guy he wanted a future with. 

And it wasn’t just a friendly future. Louis wanted to forever be able to come home from a long day, be it from school or work, and be able to cuddle up next to Harry on the couch and watch TV while they ate dinner. Louis wanted to have more than just two pets with Harry, he wanted multiple little demons running around the house, but he wanted them to have two legs instead of four. He wanted to be in the shower early in the morning and have someone else press up against the back of him before he had to go to work. He wanted all of these things, and he was always aware that they aren’t friendly things to want, but he had never thought more about it then what was needed. He always just thought it was because they already lived together, that he thought those things and wanted those things. He always thought that it was because he had always been with Harry 24/7 since the day they were practically born, that he was so attached and invested with him. His relationship with Harry had always been normal, so he never had any reason to think of it any differently. But that was until Harry started dating Kendall.

When Harry had started dating Taylor, Louis hadn’t come to terms with himself yet. He had tried to convince himself things that weren’t true for a long time, so it hadn’t hurt as bad when Harry dated her. It had stung Louis for ways that he didn’t understand yet, so he hadn’t paid them any attention. But when Louis was twenty-three with three years of “experience” (if you call pointless one night stands and failed Tinder dates in an attempt to get his mind off of Harry because he couldn’t understand why the man was always stuck in his head “experience”) under his belt, Harry coming into their shared home with the brunette under his arm to introduce her to Louis as his girlfriend was practically a punch to the gut from like. The Hulk or something. It knocked the wind out of Louis. He stood there and fish mouthed for what seemed like years, but was thankfully only a couple of seconds.

“Oh, um. Hi, I’m Louis.” Louis had said, awkwardly putting his hand out.

“Hi! I’m Kendall. Harry never stops talking about you, it’s glad to finally put a face to the name. I’m glad my baby has a best friend as good as he claims you are.” Kendall said as she shook Louis’ outstretched hand. 

There were a lot of things wrong with that response that Louis absolutely did not have the brain capacity to deal with. He could choose to either acknowledge the backhanded compliment at the end of her sentence, “as good as he claims you are”, which obviously states that she doesn’t believe him, or he could focus on the crack he felt enter his heart when she called Harry “her baby”. He’s obviously going to focus on the latter. Louis has seen Harry dance with women in clubs, he’s seen Harry flirt with women in coffee shops, and he’s seen Harry been given everyone’s phone number that lives under the sun. And they’ve all caused that little pit of jealousy to pop up in the pit of his stomach. He’s not dumb, he knows when he’s jealous of people, and he’s always jealous of whoever gets Harry’s attention over him. 

But this jealousy, seeing Harry staring at him while having his arm wrapped around this beautiful woman who got to call him _baby_ , seeing how close they so obviously already were when Louis didn’t even know this girl existed, which meant that Harry kept her private from Louis, hurt. Plain and simple? Louis was hurt. His heart burned with _want_ , and _sad,_ and _look at her hand touching his waist_ , and Louis simply couldn’t handle it.

“Uh, haha, yeah I guess so. Thanks. Um, I actually have to get going, so. It was nice meeting you! I hope you two have fun, but not too much fun.” Louis winked, hoping that he was acting well enough to pass off his sudden awkward energy. By the look on Harry’s face, he didn’t do a good enough job, but Kendall seemed to buy it. Louis grabbed his wallet and keys off the table, which thank God he had thrown them there earlier, and slid on his shoes before walking to the front of their apartment. 

Kendall and Harry had migrated to the living room after Louis had abruptly announced his exit, so Louis took a second to rub his face and will away his tears before going to reach for the door handle. He almost screeched when a hand three times the size of his beat him to it.

“Jesus Harry, warn a girl.” Louis said, trying to play off how uncomfortable he suddenly was. It was an odd feeling, being made this squeamish, and in a bad way, because of Harry. He can’t ever remember a time where the boy made him uncomfortable, but right now he could barely look at him without wanting to be a hundred feet away.

“What’s wrong? You look like you’re going to get sick, and you weren’t on your way out before we came in either, because you’re still in your glasses and that’s my sweatshirt, which is dirty,” Harry stated simply. “You’re a shit liar.” Louis was taken aback by the man in front of him who had his arms crossed across his chest as if to say “I win”. Thankfully, Louis’ brain decided to work in his favor today and supplied him with a reasonable enough fib to get him through this situation.

“I actually wasn’t on my way out until about thirty seconds before you two came in, because Luke texted me because he’s currently in freak out mode over Arzaylea and asked me to come over as soon as possible because he didn’t want to be alone. Sue me for not really caring about your dirty sweatshirt and my glasses when it’s in comparison to that.” He said, crossing his arms and popping his hip out sassily.

“Woah there baby boy, don’t go getting an attitude, I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Harry said, uncrossing his arms and going back to the adorable goof that was the epitome of Louis’ problems right now. “I’m glad you like Kendall! I’m sorry I haven’t already told you about her, but it’s kinda happened pretty quick.” Harry finished, opening his arms up for Louis to sink into and give him a hug. In hindsight, Louis knows he should’ve said no to that hug. He knows he should’ve made a joke about cuddling later, and he knows that he probably should’ve changed out of the clothes he was wearing because Harry was right, this was his sweatshirt. But Louis didn’t do those things. He, without so much as a second thought, stepped into Harry’s embrace, because why wouldn’t he? He has never once had any reason to not give Harry a hug when asked for one, and the knowledge that Harry isn’t technically free to touch anymore had already slipped Louis’ mind. So, the moment that Louis’ stepped into Harry’s big, warm arms and breathed in to smell not only Harry’s usual smell of spearmint and lavender, but _also_ of some generic, preppy, flowery smell that screamed _girl_ , Louis jumped away like Harry’s touch had burned him.

Kendall calling Harry baby, and then Harry calling Louis that “baby boy” nickname he had _always_ loved hearing (but that time had literally caused bile to rise in his throat), to realizing that even her smell had now claimed his Harry made his eyes water again. But he refused to cry right now. Not in front of Harry, not after having this discussion, and not _anywhere_ near Kendall. Harry looked a little hurt when Louis cut their interaction so incredibly short, but when Louis pulled some bullshit about needing to go to Luke’s out of his ass, the pain dissipated and Louis’ could breathe again before he turned around and left their apartment. 

Good thing it was a Thursday, because that meant that Louis didn’t have classes for the next two days, which also meant the only things he was going to need were what he had with him, plus a charger he could steal from literally any of his friends whenever he’d pop in to see them. Louis had texted Luke the second he got outside his complex, telling him the story and asking him to cover for him if Harry asked, saying that if he ever loved him he’d do so without asking why, and Luke obviously complied. Everyone knew that Louis was open with his friends. If he asked you not to ask about something, then you didn’t ask. You would know when Louis thought you should know, and everyone respected that. 

Louis didn’t know what he was going to do. He had never asked Harry how long him and Kendall were staying there, because he had been too caught up in his own head to have the brains to ask. Right now, Louis was sitting on a bench in one of the parks near his and Harry’s apartment complex, looking over at the town that was just below the hill he currently sat on. It was a gorgeous view, and the only reason he knew about it was _because_ of Harry. 

Louis had temporarily dated this kid named Alex back in his first year, shortly after he had came out. It was his first male relationship, and he had no idea what he was doing. Realistically, Louis knows now that it’s nothing different than dating a woman, except for the anatomy of course, but the dating aspects are all still the same. Alex had wanted things Louis didn’t want though. Alex wanted things that Louis wasn’t ready for, and therefore caused Louis to do a lot of things in order to keep Alex satisfied because he didn’t want Alex to leave him. Looking back at it now, Louis knows that he just didn’t want to be alone, because being alone meant being in love with Harry, but it was always centered around the first boy besides Harry to ever tell him he loved Louis. 

Louis had really liked Alex, despite everything that happened, and no matter how much he liked Harry, Louis definitely did have an attraction to Alex. But that wasn’t enough. Eventually Alex became frustrated, as most people do, and he threatened to break up with Louis if he didn’t give him more than what he was currently giving him. 

“Blowies aren’t going to last us forever Lou. You’re going to have to give me more.” Alex had said, as they had just started to make out on the couch, Louis sitting in Alex’s lap.

“Well, I uh, I don’t know. Am I not good enough at those? I’m really not ready for the whole thing babe.” Louis said brokenly. He really didn’t want to have this conversation again. Louis was so caught up in the moment and what was happening inside his head, that he nor Alex heard the front door open.

“The only reason you’re mouth gets me anywhere is because of what I’ve taught you. You’re really _not_ very good at them and it pisses me off because you give me shitty orgasms and then never put out! I’m not going to wait for you forever! Nobody is going to want to date you if you’re such a fucking prude for your whole life.” Alex said, pushing Louis off his lap and onto the couch, before standing up and grabbing his things. 

“Wait, I. I don’t know what you want me to do Alex. I can’t give you that yet. I can’t. I’ve given you everything else though! I’ve done everything you’ve asked me to do even though I was uncomfortable with it. Don’t you see that I _want_ to please you? I want to make you happy! I just don’t know how!” Louis said, his emotions getting the best of him. “I’ll get better at the blowjobs, I promise.”

“You’re pathetic Louis, you know that? This is gross and honestly disappointing. Our entire relationship has been disappointing, and it isn’t my fault. I think I’m done with you Lou. See you around.” Alex had said before turning around and walking down the hallway, leaving Louis sitting on his couch, his shirt unbuttoned and his hair a mess from how they had been previously making out, tears starting to fall down his face. He just kept thinking over and over again that he was a failure. He couldn’t give his boyfriend the one thing he constantly asked for. And for what? What was he so afraid of? Why couldn’t he just let go of that one thing that was constantly holding him back?

Little did he know, that one thing that was “constantly holding him back”, had been standing in the hallway the whole time, waiting for the asshole to walk out. Harry had taken him by the collar of his shirt and whispered some things that assured the guy that he would never come back to the house, and never talk to Louis again except for when completely necessary. By the time Alex had left and Harry walked in the living room, Louis was in the same spot as before, only now his face was tear stained. Harry saw Louis’ shirtless form and immediately took off his hoodie, handing it to Louis to put on. Once Louis did, Harry sat down next to him and held Louis until he inevitably started sobbing into his shoulder. Harry had eventually held Louis’ hand and dragged him outside to this park and to this bench and sat with Louis and talked about anything and everything he possibly could to get Louis’ mind off of that undeserving asshole that had so blatantly disrespected Louis in his own home.

Louis smiled through his tears at the memory, looking down and having his breath catch in his throat. He was wearing the same hoodie that Harry had given him that day all those years ago, only now it was practically Louis’ and it never got fully clean because he constantly wore it. Louis wanted it off. Louis wanted to burn it. He needed to get some different clothes on. So, looking at his phone to see he’d already been gone for three hours, he started his journey to Luke’s house for real this time, texting him to tell him he was on his way. 

When he got there, the first thing he did was shuck his sweatshirt to steal one of Luke’s, and steal his phone charger. He sat down at the island in Luke’s kitchen and began eating at the leftover Chinese Luke had reheated for him. 

“You know, out of all the people in the world that I would have to cover you for, none of my guesses would have ever been Harry Styles.” Luke said, still looking at his phone. Louis looked up from his plate of rice.

“I thought I asked you not to ask,” Louis said. “Or do I need to beg?”

“Oooooooh, kinky. But no, I’m not asking. Just simply stating a fact in a way that I hope gets the point across that if you ever do want me to ask, that I’m here for you. People get into fights, I get it.” Luke said, not even looking up from his phone. Sometimes, Louis wondered what he did in his past life to get such amazing friends, because he really doesn’t know what he’d do without them. 

“I know you are. Thank you. Do you think I could crash here for the night?” Louis asked.

“I already figured you were when you texted me, the guest bedroom is still set up from the last time you were here.” Luke said, causing Louis’ heart to crack just a little bit more. The last time Louis spent the night in this flat, Harry had been with him and everyone had gotten shitfaced drunk. Louis and Harry had slept in that bed together, cuddling like everything was good in the world. Louis couldn’t sleep there tonight. He just couldn’t. 

“Actually, can I just sleep on the couch?” Louis said, closing his eyes and hoping he wasn’t being too painfully obvious. He couldn’t handle that talk today too.

“Whatever you want Lou. I don’t mind. If _you_ don’t mind though, I’m going to get a shower and then go to bed. See you in the morning buddy.” Luke said before heading down the hall to the bathroom. Louis took his place on the couch, and snuggled into the blankets before taking a look at his charging phone to see three texts from Harry. Before he could even read `them to see what they said, his phone lit up with the “Incoming Call from Lovely Harry” notification on it. He answered it. 

“ ‘Ello?” He said, trying to feign tiredness.

“Hello? Lou? Where are you? You left five hours ago.” Harry said, his voice laced with worry so heavy you could practically taste it.

“Oh, yeah, I’m just staying over at Luke’s tonight, I was talking to him for a long time, and I didn’t know when that girl planned on leaving and I didn’t want to walk in on anything that I didn’t want to see, if you’re catching my drift.” He tried to say nonchalantly, but the idea of _anything_ happening between Harry and someone else made him incredibly sick to his stomach, let alone actually walking in on something of the sort. He couldn’t imagine. 

“Oh, well. Kendall left like three hours ago. I texted you, but that’s okay that you didn’t see it. Do you want me to pick you up and bring you home?” Harry asked, and Louis honestly didn’t know how much more his heart could take of this. All Harry was doing was being the same Harry he was before. The same kind, loving, and thoughtful Harry he was yesterday. Yesterday, it would’ve made Louis smile like a lovesick fool, but today? Today it made him so uncomfortable to think about that he could hardly breathe. For some reason, thinking about getting in the car with Harry to be driven back to their shared apartment to eat and binge watch TV together sounded like a terrible idea and he couldn’t for the life of him fathom why any of that would end well for him.

“No, I think I’m gonna stay here with Luke tonight. Thank you though Harry. You know I appreciate it.” Louis said, rubbing his exhausted eyelids.

“Woah, just Harry? I was at least expecting a “Haz” or something after all the stress you’ve put me through tonight.” Harry jokingly said, trying to lighten the mood. Louis didn’t laugh, In fact, he didn’t say anything. “Are you sure you’re okay Lou?” Harry added, his voice lined with concern. Louis hadn’t realized it, but the entire phone call had been buzzing with nervous energy from Louis’ end. Louis couldn’t remember a time where a phone call with Harry had _ever_ felt like this. He couldn’t remember a time where he didn’t want to talk to the man, or the only urge he had was to hang up on him. And Harry was right, Louis rarely ever called Harry by his actual name, but any term of endearment tasted like venom on Louis’ tongue and it was the last thing he wanted to say. That scared Louis.

“Yeah Haz, I’m okay. I’m just really tired.” Louis said, using the name anyway to try and ease the suspicion Harry already had about Louis’ current behavior.

“Okay Lou. I’ll let you sleep then. Tell Luke I’m here for him too if he ever needs anything. I love you.” Harry said, not even thinking twice about it. Those three words were what really broke it for Louis.

“Love you too.” Louis had said, before hanging up.

He stood up and threw his phone across the room, not caring about the loud smacking noise it made as it made contact with the wall opposite of him. He didn’t know where that sudden burst of rage had come from, but it was gone as soon as it had appeared and quickly replaced with the literal despair that had been inhabiting his heart from earlier. He sat down on the ground and pulled his legs to his chest and laid his head on his knees, before letting out everything that he’d been keeping in. 

His chest heaved with sobs that he couldn’t explain. Why did he have to feel this way? Why him? Why for Harry of all people? The one person he couldn’t live without? Why was whoever was in charge making his life a living hell? He couldn’t just cut Harry off, he lived with him for Christ’s sake. Even if he didn’t live with him, he’d never be able to just cut Harry off. Louis physically cannot see his life without Harry in it. But why did it have to be like this? Why couldn’t Louis just get over himself? Why couldn’t he be in love with someone like Luke? Someone that, while he’s still incredibly important to Louis, isn’t absolutely necessary for Louis’ life to function as normal. 

Louis sat on Luke’s living room floor with all of these thoughts swimming around his head, each one of them going too fast for him to really grasp onto one and think about it for too long. Until Louis realized, Harry was sitting at home, with a woman a few hours ago. Louis is sitting here, wishing for things to be different, when that would never be fair to Harry. Louis is sitting here, and he hasn’t flat out said it, but he knows he’s been thinking it. _He wants Harry for himself. And if he can’t have him then he doesn’t want to have to see him with anyone else._ And that may single handedly be the most selfish thing that Louis has ever thought, because Harry is doing what he can to make himself _happy_. He is going out with a beautiful girl, that has to be amazing in order for Harry to date her, trying to do something to make himself happier, and Louis ran away and worried him all night and treated him like shit because he’s jealous. 

The bottom line is that Harry is straight. Even if Harry wasn’t dating Kendall or Taylor or that one Olivia girl from the twelfth grade, Louis would never be on the winning side of this problem. He was never going to be satisfied with an outcome. And to sit here and wish for Harry to be single again so Louis wouldn’t have to watch him date anyone that wasn’t him, would be wishing for Harry to be alone forever, and that’s terrible. Harry Styles deserves the absolute world, and Louis is nothing and nobody to say that he can’t have that. If tall, brown haired, beautiful Kendall is going to give his Harry the world, then he is going to suck it up and fucking _deal with it_ , because Harry deserves the world in every sense, and while Louis may not deserve the role, he’s still Harry’s best friend, and he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to not continue to uphold that spot. 

Louis coughed a few times and gripped the carpet in his hands to focus on slowing his breathing, before shrieking at the feeling of a hand on his back. He looked up to see Luke sitting on the couch behind him, arms now open. Louis’ lip quivered before he jumped into the embrace, more tears coming out into Luke’s neck.

“You’re okay man, it’ll be okay.” Luke said, rubbing his hand up and down Louis’ back. 

“I-I’m sorry I woke you up. I hope I didn’t put a dent in your wall, if I did I didn’t mean it I promise, I just threw it and I-” Louis ranted, choking on a word and sending himself into a coughing fit.

“Fuck the wall. It’s fine, don’t worry about it. And plus, I was already awake, you know I don’t fall asleep well. Come here, calm down bud.” Luke kept saying things into Louis’ hair as Louis held onto him for dear life, focusing on the feeling of Luke’s cotton sleep shirt while he willed himself to calm down. 

Once Louis had stopped crying as hard, Luke sat back and wiped the remaining tears from Louis’ face. Normally, Luke would never be this touchy with one of his friends, but he’s always been like a brother to Louis, and he’s always felt the need to protect the man, even if Louis was older. He just had a soft spot for Lou, and he would admit that to anyone that asked. 

Luke looked into Louis’ eyes and just stared at him, as if he knew everything Louis wasn’t saying. 

“Please don’t say anything about this to anyone, Luke. I’m just a mess right now and I can’t-” Louis started, but he was quickly cut off by the other man,

“I won’t say anything. Pinky promise,” Luke said, holding up his pinky to be linked with Louis’ and kissing the end of his fist at the same time Louis did. “But you have to promise me something.” 

“Uh, okay.” Louis responded, nervously fiddling his fingers.

“Lou, I already said I wouldn’t ask, and I mean that. You don’t have to tell me what happened if you don’t want to. But you have to promise me to come over next time anything happens that will set you off this badly. If you need me to cover for you, you need to come over. No waiting two hours in between to slowly drive yourself crazy with how upset you are. Just come over bub.” Luke said, fixing Louis’ fringe that had been sticking up in every wrong way possible. 

If Louis hadn’t already cried out everything he had in him, he could’ve sworn that he would’ve teared up at that. He had no clue what he did to deserve a friend like Luke, but he was eternally grateful. Louis nodded and said,

“I promise. I’m sorry about tonight man, I’m just. It’s been a little rough.”

“Yeah, I can tell. But do not be sorry for needing a friend Lou. It’s only human. Now what do you say, wanna watch Adventure Time and try to fall asleep?” And Louis smiled, because his friends knew him so well. 

That night, Louis fell asleep on the couch next to Luke, listening to the buzz of the TV and feeling the warmth of the blanket he had wrapped himself in, and tried not to think too hard about the man across town that he was in love with but could never tell. 

You know, I'm the one that you can talk to

And sometimes you tell me things that I don't want to know

I just want to hold you

And you say exactly how you feel about her

And I wonder, could you ever think of me that way

Louis woke the next day to the smell of bacon coming from Luke’s kitchen.

“You know you’re a shit cook Luke, I need you to not burn down your house.” Louis projected so Luke could hear him from the living room, standing up and stretching his tired bones. 

“Oh fuck you, I’m trying to be nice, you don’t need to be an asshole all the time.” Luke replied, swatting Louis with a towel as he hopped up on the counter next to Luke. He handed Louis a plate with bacon, scrambled eggs, and toast on it as he made his own plate and laughed as Louis said,

“Thank you for the breakfast Lukey, I really appreciate it.” with his best puppy dog eyes he could conjure up.

“Ew, you’re disgusting. Now come on, eat, you gotta get back home. Harry’s already texted _me_ twice about _you_ , even though I was the one you came over to “comfort”.” And yeah, yesterday was a thing that happened. Louis had honestly managed to forget in the short span of five minutes he had been awake. _Harry_ . He had to go home to _Harry_ , after finding out that he was now in a relationship with that pretty Kendall girl. He could do that. He could totally go home and have Harry worry over why he hadn’t been texting him and have him cuddle up next to him on the couch before Harry had to go to class. He could totally do that.

“Yeah, I do. Sorry about him, you know how he gets when I’m not there to be at his every beck and call.” Louis said, pushing his food around his plate with his fork.

“Since I know you didn’t mean that in the way it came out, I won’t say anything. Now stop fucking around with your food and eat it because I tried really hard on it and I will not be allowing your attitude to get in the way of that.” Luke said, scraping the rest of his food into his mouth and placing the plate in the sink. Louis smiled and complied, eating quietly while Luke cleaned up.

It eventually came time for Louis to leave, he had opted to texting Harry on his thankfully not cracked phone, saying he was going to stay with Luke for a little while longer and he’d probably be back while Harry was in class, which is what he fully intended to do. 

Louis gathered up his things, including Harry’s sweatshirt that he had thrown across the living room last night, and trudged his way to the front door. He said goodbye to Luke and gave the man a hug, thanking him for everything.

“No problem bub. I was serious when I made you promise to come over the next time stuff gets to you that much.” Luke said, his hands reassuringly grasping Louis’ shoulders.

“I know. I promise you I will. I do need to get going though, I told Harry I’d be home before he got back from class.” Louis turned to walk out Luke’s door, giving him a final wave goodbye, before a hand tugging on the sweatshirt in Luke’s arms kept him from leaving.

“How about I keep this for a little bit? To _clean_ it.” Luke said, eyeing Louis. At first, he didn’t understand what Luke wanted the sweater for, and his hands iron gripped the sleeves that he was holding, but then it clicked. Luke, even though Louis hadn’t said anything, and even if it wasn’t _fully_ understood. He didn’t need Louis to tell him what was wrong or why he was crying as hard as he was last night, because Luke was observant. 

A large weight that Louis hadn’t known was there was somehow lifted off his chest, and he sighed before nodding and letting go of the sweatshirt.

“Text me when you get home Lou. I love you.” Luke said, wrapping the sweatshirt around his arms. Louis nodded and said,

“I love you too.” And then he walked away, leaving the sweatshirt and all of the incidents from last night behind him.

\------------

It hadn’t happened right away. At first, it was hard, but Louis had thought it got easier after awhile. Coming home from class and seeing the two of them cuddled up on the couch where Louis and Harry used to cuddle. Coming home from work at night wanting to spend some quality time with his best friend binge watching Ghost Adventures, just to get a text or a note that said he and Kendall were out and about doing their own thing. And even the nights were it was the hardest, the nights where Louis just wanted some company, or to even feel the presence of someone else in their shared apartment, just to find out that Harry was going to spend the night at Kendall’s. They had all been hard at first, and too many tears had been shed to even bother to try and remember all of them. But after awhile, it got easier, or Louis just became numb to it. He could deal with Harry never being home, or being home and having Kendall over and not really talking to him. It was fine, somehow. Louis had made it fine. But what he couldn’t make fine, no matter how hard he tried, was when Harry _did_ have time for him. When he _was_ home and when he _did_ hang out with Louis. Louis couldn’t make these times fine, because all Harry wanted to talk about, was Kendall.

How pretty Kendall looked that day, or what he and Kendall had done when they hung out the night before, or how nice Kendall’s family was, or what Kendall had just texted him, or what they were _going_ to do, or asking what he should wear to this date or to that dinner, and honestly, Louis couldn’t take it anymore. At first he had stuck through the pain he was in, and had been there for Harry, because he was his best friend. What kind of best friend doesn’t want to listen to how happy their friend is with their partner? What kind of best friend doesn’t want to hype up their friend for finally getting some action? He had somehow managed to push through the pain of Harry telling him when he and Kendall had had sex for the first time, even if he had cried himself to sleep hours later, thinking about what he had ever done to deserve this kind of punishment.

Louis had stuck it through a lot without distancing himself, and he had always been proud of that. He had always been proud of managing to stay Harry’s platonic best friend even when his heart was ripping in half.

It hadn’t happened right away, but it happened eventually. The day Louis walked into his apartment, that he helped pay for and live in, to find Kendall giving Harry a blowjob on the couch that Louis bought, _that_ was the day he started distancing himself. Harry had looked up at him with the most terrified look Louis had ever seen him wear, but Kendall looked unbothered. All she did was slyly readjust her breasts so they weren’t out of her shirt anymore, all the while smiling like the hyena Louis was slowly starting to realize she was.

“Oh my fucking god, Louis, you were _not_ supposed to see that. I didn’t realize what time it was when we started--- shit no, I just, fuck, I’m so sorry. That was so disrespectful of us and I just--” Harry had ranted, all while putting himself back into his sweats, and thankfully Louis had willed himself not to look there, because he knew if he did his heart would only break more. Louis cut him off with a short and simple,

“It’s fine.” before walking straight to his room with all of his things, not even bothering to take his shoes off at the front door. He had locked the door the second it closed behind him, and while he hadn’t actually admitted to himself why he took twenty dollars out of his wallet, and stuck it in the bottom of the little drawer that was in his desk. 

It’s been six and a half months since that day, and now there was more money in that drawer then he could care to count by himself right now. He was going to move out. He simply couldn’t take anymore of what was going on in what was supposed to be his own home. He also never saw or talked to Harry anymore, even though they were supposed to _live together._ Harry was always either at Kendall’s house, or he was at the apartment and Louis made sure that he was not for any and every kind of reason possible. If Kendall spent the night, that meant Louis was spending the night somewhere else. If he couldn’t make sense of leaving the house again, then he’d have someone else come over that Harry wasn’t really close with and claim that they were “studying” in his room while they actually just did anything to get Louis mind off of what could possibly be happening in the next room over. 

On the nights that Louis got stuck in the house when Kendall _did_ spend the night, he concluded that those were the worst nights, and it only made him promise himself that he’d never be caught here when they were here again.

Harry was not going unpleased, to say the least. And Kendall would make sure that the entire apartment complex knew that she wasn’t either. On those nights, where Louis had to sit in the bed he could vividly remember almost always sharing with Harry, while listening to him be intimate with someone that wasn’t him in the room right next to his? Those were the nights his broken heart would vibrate. All the pieces that had been ripped apart from one another and then stomped on, all the pieces that were currently lying broken on the bottom of Louis’ chest, they would shake and bounce and move and cut up everything he had left in him, and those were the nights he would add more money to the drawer and remember why he was doing it. 

He didn’t feel comfortable in his own house anymore. He didn’t, and that fact was plain and simple. He was currently paying to stay in an apartment that he was practically never even in, because when he did stay in the home that _he pays for_ , he was made so uncomfortable that all he could think of was about how much he wanted to leave it. That was no longer okay. Louis’ will to be there for Harry was no longer bigger than his will to be happy again. He couldn’t stand doing this to himself anymore. So, eight months after Harry first introduced Louis to Kendall, Louis started packing his things. It was slow and small at first, just little random things he knew Harry no longer noticed. Things of his from the kitchen, from the bathroom, and then the living and dining room. Harry never came in his room anymore either, so he would pack up his things into boxes and leave them in his room. 

It was crazy, how much this hurt Louis. He thought that packing up his things and beginning the steps of not being with Harry anymore would make him feel better, maybe even empower him a little bit, but no. The fact that Louis now had six boxes full of all of his things from around the house that weren’t in his room and Harry hadn’t so much as even noticed, let alone mentioned anything, hurt. It hurt really bad. 

Louis and Harry hadn’t lived with each other for awhile now. They hadn’t been close, for awhile now. Come to think of it, Louis couldn’t actually remember the last time they talked or hung out where he had enjoyed it and not wanted to run away from Harry. That somehow simultaneously made everything a little better and a little worse for Louis.

Louis had been going through the clothes that he wanted to either keep or give away (or give back to Harry) when it had happened. He’d figured that if he was moving he might as well get rid of some of his clutter and kill two birds with one stone. So as he had been sorting through the ridiculous amount of sweatshirts, which weren’t even mostly his, he had definitely not been expecting a phone call from Lottie. So when he had picked up the phone, he had definitely not been expecting news as crucial as the news he got.

“Mum has Leukemia Lou. It’s really bad. You need to come home.”

Louis couldn’t understand much else from the rush of different voices on the phone mixed with the tears all the girls had running down their faces, but even if Lottie had been right next to him he probably wouldn’t have been able to hear her. He couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t hear the music he had playing on his speaker while he had been going through clothes, he couldn’t hear Lottie and Fizzy talking into the phone, and he couldn’t even hear himself think. All he could focus on was, _“Mum has Leukemia”._

Of course she did. Of course something else had to happen to further Louis’ spiral into the depression he was currently working himself into. Of course it had to happen to his fucking _mother_ , of all people that God could use to punish him, he’s used the two most important ones in his life. The two people he’s always lived knowing he can’t live without, have either already been ripped or are going to be ripped away from him. Why couldn’t God just kill him? Why couldn’t he just die? Why couldn’t _he_ be the one with Leukemia, why couldn’t Louis be the one suffering. Why is his mother being roped into everything with an incurable sickness that’s going to tear his family apart?

“I’ll be there soon, I promise. I’ve got to go.” Louis said and hung up the phone. He looked at the pile of sweatshirts in front of him and felt his eyes start to well up with tears. _No,_ he thought, _I can’t just sit here and fucking cry. That’s all I fucking do and now is not the time._ He stood up and grabbed his duffel bag from his closet, the really big one he only uses when he goes on vacation. He grabbed the necessities. He made sure that he had only _his_ clothes in his bag, and none of Harry’s, before grabbing other things he needed besides his clothes. He grabbed his toiletries from the bathroom, and shoved those and his shoes and anything else he thought he would need as he took the time away from school and his home. 

The only reason Louis had thought coming home to pack was a good idea was because Harry had a class today and at this time. It all worked out for Louis. But Louis didn’t know that Harry’s class had gotten out early, and he had definitely not been paying enough attention to his surroundings as he frantically packed his bag. Harry had stopped and picked up Kendall, hoping to have a good time with her back at the apartment because he knew Louis wouldn’t be home, which was normal. He was never home anymore. Harry stopped trying to convince himself that he didn’t care a long time ago. It hurt, that he never saw or got to talk to the man who was supposed to be his best friend anymore. But he had Kendall, so, for right now that was enough. But as he went to open their front door, he came to find out that it was already unlocked, which would only happen if Louis was here. Harry’s heart rate picked up, hoping that maybe Louis would want to hang out with him and Kendall. He could try to convince himself all he wanted to, but in all honesty, he really missed Louis. 

He and Kendall walked into the apartment, and heard noises coming from down the hallway.

“Wow, he’s actually home for once? Shocker.” Kendall said, cocking her hip out and crossing her arms. Ever since Harry started dating Kendall, she hasn’t been Louis’ biggest fan, and Harry has never known why. When Louis started disappearing and not being home, Kendall started bad mouthing him a lot more than what she already had been. At first Harry always defended Louis, always telling her that even though he loved her, he would really appreciate if she wouldn’t say things like the things she was saying, and at first she would listen. Or, listen as much as a sigh and an eye roll can be considered listening. But she’d keep it up, any time she saw Louis, after he’d leave she’d turn to Harry and say something rude that would make Harry cringe, but after awhile he stopped asking her to stop. He couldn’t give a good reason as to why he stopped, other than the fact that he knew she wasn’t going to change her opinion. For some reason, she just did not like Louis. The last person in his life that mattered to him that didn’t like Louis was Taylor, everyone else has _always_ loved Louis. 

Harry remembers breaking up with Taylor the second she was rude to Louis, the second she disrespected Louis Harry had cut it off. Why was Kendall different? Was it because he loved Kendall? He thought he loved Taylor too, but the second the comfort of his Louis was jeopardized, he had cut her out. And now, what? Harry didn’t know. 

“Hey, you sit here and watch some TV or something, I’m gonna go tell him we’re here.” Harry said, giving Kendall a kiss to her hair before he walked down the hallway to Louis’ room. He realized, as he was walking towards the oak door of Louis’ room, that he hadn’t been in there in months. Before Kendall came around Harry had practically lived in Louis’ room, and it made him kind of sad that he hasn’t laid in that bed with Louis in as long as he has. He grabbed the door knob and went to turn it, but the door was suddenly ripped open to reveal a devastated looking Louis. Harry looked past the tear stained face of his best friend and saw the room he had just been thinking about, only it was definitely not how he remembered it. 

Almost all of Louis’ things had been packed into boxes that laid in the corner of his room, and Louis had his ginormous duffel bag slung over his shoulder with his phone and wallet in his hands.

“What the fuck?” Harry spit, wincing at his tone but not being able to control it due to the utter confusion running through his head.

“I’m moving out. That’s why all the boxes are there.” Was all Louis replied before he sped past Harry and speed walked into the living room, not wanting to have this conversation. Not wanting to have to tell Harry what’s wrong, not wanting to have to live through the realization of what was happening to his mum. 

Harry stood there, shocked beyond belief. He couldn’t remember a time where he wasn’t with Louis, where he didn’t either live right next to or with the man, and the thought of him not being in direct contact with him made his blood boil and his heart sink with something he didn’t understand. Suddenly, he was furious. He turned around and followed Louis to the living area, completely forgetting, and honestly not caring, about Kendall sitting on the couch right next to them. 

“What do you mean ‘you’re moving out’?” Harry asked, pulling on the duffel bag on Louis’ back, trying to get him to stay and explain.

“Not now Harry. I can’t explain right this second but I just, I need to leave--” Louis said, pulling on the bag that Harry was still clutching to. Harry yanked harder than Louis did though, causing the older man to be spun around and suddenly facing Harry.

“No! You can’t just tell me you’re leaving with literally no explanation as to why and expect me not to care! That’s stupid! So you’re not _fucking_ leaving until you tell me why!” 

Louis sighed, tears welling up in his eyes. He clenched his eyes shut and willed them to go away, before looking at Kendall who was still sitting on the couch.

“I think you should leave. There’s obviously something I need to discuss with Harry and I’d like to do it in private.” Louis said, dropping the duffel bag on the ground. He had expected Kendall to get up and give Harry a kiss before saying she’d see him later or something of the sort, but that was the exact opposite of what actually happened. Kendall stood up and crossed her arms over her chest before saying,

“Um, whatever you can say to him, you can say to me too because he’s going to end up telling me eventually. I quite frankly don’t think you deserve privacy or the right to even string him along any more than you already have, so, I’m staying right here while you talk to _my_ boyfriend.” 

To say that Louis felt like he had been smacked was an understatement. It felt like a knife going through his chest, to be so utterly disrespected, embarrassed, and talked down to in his own home, and in front of Harry. It was humiliating. And the fact that she accused _him_ of hurting _Harry,_ when Harry was the main fucking reason he was _leaving_ , and the man wasn’t even fucking standing up for him, he couldn’t handle it.

“Fine then, you spoiled fucking _brat_ . I have honestly had enough of you. You want to be difficult? Fine. I will gladly tell not only Harry, but also a woman that I barely even know, that the reason I’m fucking leaving, is because my _mum_ , has fucking _cancer_ , and I just got a call from _Lottie_ , having a _panic attack_ into the phone because she’s at the hospital and needs her big brother there. And you know what? I’ve been planning this for awhile, me moving out. Because I, obviously, since I can’t even get a fucking conversation alone with the man I live with, am not welcomed in the home that I help fucking pay for, and I’m over it. I’m done walking on eggshells in my own house just to make you two comfortable, and it sucks that mum having to get sick is what did it, but it was the last straw. Even if I _could_ stand living here still, I wouldn’t be, because I have to be with her. So there, are you happy? Are you happy you heard that from me instead of _your_ boyfriend? I’m glad. Now, if you will fucking _excuse_ me, I’m leaving.” Louis snapped, and without another word, was out his front door and throwing it closed behind him with the hardest slam he’s ever given it, completely sure they’ll get a complaint for it, but he doesn’t live there anymore so it doesn’t even matter. 

Louis fell asleep that night holding two of his little sisters next to the bed that held their sick mother, wishing he was being held by the man he hasn’t spent time with in months, wondering if things would ever get better.

  
  


Ooh, I got a crush on you

I hope you feel the way that I do

I get a rush

When I'm with you

Ooh, I've got a crush on you

A crush on you

Months passed after that night, Johannah not getting any better, and Louis and Harry not speaking any more than they did when they lived together. Louis finished up the current semester he had going on at Uni before deciding he wouldn’t be going back for the next. Not until he could figure his shit out. He stayed at his mother’s house, and had all of the things he hadn’t been able to shove into his duffel bag delivered there as well. That conversation was the worst one he and Harry had ever had, even if it was over text. Louis had just simply said: “ **most, if not all of my things are in the boxes in my room. Whatever is left, please pack up and have them sent to my mum’s house, I’ll pay for it obviously. You can keep the bed and the desk and all that for a guest bedroom, I won’t need it.** ” To which Harry had just replied: “ **are u sure?”** and yes, damnit, Louis was sure. He wouldn’t have fucking left in the first place if he wasn’t sure. So he shot back a quick yes, and that was the last Louis had heard from him in the two months they’ve been separated. 

To say Louis was going through hell was an absolute understatement. He had lost his lifelong best friend, and was simultaneously losing his own mother at the same time. His mum wasn’t anywhere near critical condition yet, but none of the treatments had helped her at all, and there’s only so many tests someone can take before just sticking it out, and Louis didn’t want to admit that he could see his mum growing tired. 

He wanted Harry. He wanted his best friend back. It wasn’t like Louis didn’t have any other friends, in fact, he had plenty of people checking in on him and making sure he knew he wasn’t alone. One, for example, was Luke. That man has seen so much of Louis in the past two months you’d think Louis was the one dying. Then there was Perrie, who constantly brought him food to his mum’s house, and enough for him and all his siblings to eat and still have leftovers, and there was also Niall who occasionally came over to play videogames and bullshit about the most recent footy match with everyone, just because he knew he could keep their minds off of everything, even just for a little bit. 

To say Louis was grateful, would be an understatement. He probably wouldn’t be making it through all of this without them. But that didn’t stop him from nursing the heartbreak he was currently going through. He couldn’t stand it. He couldn’t stand being woken up every night by the same dream of long legs and green eyes, he couldn’t stand getting random whiffs of cologne at the most inconvenient moments even though there was no way that _he_ could’ve been there, he couldn’t stand not being able to breath without feeling how much his chest hurt. He fucking missed him. He didn’t know actually leaving, and not seeing that little frog toothbrush holder every morning would hurt him this bad. He didn’t know that not seeing all the dirt that his stupid sparkly boots brought into the house everyday would hurt this bad. He didn’t know _anything_ would hurt this bad. 

But what Louis didn’t realize would hurt the worst, was when he was going through the boxes he had moved to the attic from his old room during the first week of living here again, was seeing the old scrapbook his mum had made when he graduated high school. He opened it, not being prepared for all of the pictures and memories of him and Harry that flooded his vision. There were pictures from drama, from field trips, from random selfies they had taken that his mum had somehow gotten her hands on, and then there was their senior prom pictures. Neither of them had dates that night, so they had “gone together”, in a totally platonic, bro, dude, brother from another mother kind of way. They were just two dudes showing up together, but for Louis it had always been more, even if he hadn’t realized it yet. Looking back, he can obviously tell that what he had felt were the feelings he’s had for Harry probably his whole life, but back then he had just been his best friend. Harry had shown up to Louis house already sporting his tux, with the little rose on his chest pocket, and Louis remembers feeling like the air got punched out of his lungs from how handsome he had looked. 

_“Look at you Lou, who knew you could clean up so well?” Stepping into the home that was practically his, Harry looked Louis up and down before bringing him into one of his awkward side hugs, and Louis had just blushed and tried not to worry about why his cheeks had gotten so hot._

Louis smiled at the memory, not realizing he was crying until he saw the salty droplets splatter on the laminated page he was looking at. He closed the scrapbook and put it back in the box he had found it in, before heading back downstairs. His was still crying pretty hard by the time he made it to the kitchen where Lottie stood, looking into her cup of tea as if it held the answers to all of her family’s problems. She looked up as she noticed Louis’ presence, seeing the streaks running down her brothers face, and wrapped her arms around him. 

“It’ll be okay Lou. I promise.” She reassured, rubbing his back and tucking her head into her brother's neck. Louis hugged back, letting his quiet sobs out into her hair, and wondered how this was ever going to be okay. 

\------------------

The past two months of Harry’s life had been the worst out of the entire twenty-three years he had been alive. The day Louis left was by far the worst. Never in his whole life of knowing Louis, had he ever spoken to Harry like that. Hell, the last time Harry had even seen him anywhere _near_ angry like that was in the twelfth grade when Harry’s car had been egged after a football match. But his anger had never been aimed at Harry, nothing negative had ever been aimed at Harry. So, to hear that he was the reason Louis was moving out, because he had made the man so uncomfortable that he couldn’t stand being there, was like having his intestines ripped out, stomped on, and shoved back into him without any care whatsoever. 

Harry is man enough to admit that maybe he and Kendall had gotten a bit excessive with the sex, and the affection, but that was all she seemed to want. Even when Harry was perfectly content just chilling in bed, or playing some video games, or watching some netflix, she always managed to end up flipping the situation to be more intimate than what Harry had originally planned. But he hadn’t ever thought that they were making Louis uncomfortable. But then again, when was the last time Louis was home at the same time as them? And when he _was_ home, when was the last time he and Harry actually had a conversation? Harry honestly couldn’t remember, and it broke his heart. He had been driving his best friend out of his own home for seven months because he was too fucking stupid to realize he was being a dick. 

So yeah, Harry could admit that. But having Louis so furious with him, telling him to his face that he felt uncomfortable in the home they _bought together_ , it tore Harry up like nothing else ever has. The stunt Kendall had pulled also didn’t help Louis’ frustrations, he knows, and he also knows that he should have said something, but just like every other time, he stayed silent. . . And this time, Louis left. And Harry fucking _deserved_ it. But that doesn’t mean it hurts _any_ less. Harry had stood there, like a complete _idiot_ , after Louis had slammed the door shut, because he couldn’t get his brain to comprehend the fact that Louis just _left_ . He couldn’t comprehend that he had been the worst person in the entire world for _so long_ , and he couldn’t comprehend that Johannah had fucking _cancer_ , and Harry had originally yelled at Louis for wanting to leave because of it. 

That was another thing that made Harry feel like absolute shit, he had yelled at Louis for moving out, as if he had been there enough to care in the first place. Maybe if he had been what he was supposed to be, _Louis’ best friend_ , for the past seven months then he wouldn’t be leaving. Maybe if he had been home for more than three hours at a time every other four days, he would have had the right to yell at Louis for leaving so suddenly, but he hadn’t been. And, come to think of it, it hadn’t been very sudden _at all_ . Looking around, he can tell that all of Louis’ stuff is nowhere to be found. All of his knick knacks in the kitchen are gone, his stupid coasters on the table are gone, his candles from the side tables in the living room were gone, and come to think of it, most of his things _everywhere_ were gone, but Harry had been too caught up in his own life to notice Louis slowly slipping out of it. 

He felt disgusting. He felt like the literal worst kind of person. How dare he treat Louis like that. Where did he think he had the right to just make Louis feel so invisible and unimportant like that? Louis had been packing for months, if those boxes in his room were anything to go off of, and Harry hadn’t. Fucking. Noticed. What a piece of fucking shit he was. 

“Babe, you really don’t need him anyway. I mean, did you fucking hear him? He called me a _brat_ , like what, are we fucking four years old again? God, thank gosh he’s finally fucking gone.” Kendall came up behind Harry and wrapped her arms around his middle. And that, that struck a chord deep inside Harry that made him angrier than he could explain, but suddenly her hands on him made him feel sticky, they made him squeamish. 

“I think you should leave, Kendall. Now is absolutely not a good time and I need to sort some things out.” Harry rubbed at his eyes, moving away from the woman plastering herself to his back.

“He’s an idiot for leaving Harry, just drop it. You’ll feel better once you do. And besides,” she slid her hands down from his middle to right above the waistband of his pants, “I have an idea of how to get your mind off of it.”. 

Harry jumped away from her like he had been burned.

“Are you fucking kidding me Kendall? I’m politely asking you to leave me alone, and to give me space because I’m fucking sad, and instead of listening or even just fucking being there for me, you’re trying to have sex right now? I can’t deal with this. Get out.” The order came out of his mouth easier than he thought it would. Kendall huffed before grabbing her purse and phone.

“Fine then, Harry. I’ll fucking leave. But don’t think about calling me later. You’re being a huge fucking baby about this and it’s honestly annoying. I’ll see you later.” And without another word, she was gone. The fact that Harry wasn’t mad about her leaving, should have told him something from the very start, but all he could think about was the fact that _Louis_ was gone. All he could see was how bland and boring the apartment suddenly looked with just his things in it. How long had Louis _really_ been planning to move out? It had to have been months, and Harry hadn’t noticed a single thing. 

Next thing he knew, Harry was standing in front of Louis’ still open bedroom door, wondering how he hadn’t just fucking _noticed_ . Why was he never home? If he missed Louis as much as he knew he did, why didn’t he ever fucking talk to the guy? Why had his head been so far up his own ass the past couple of months? Why did he let this woman, who he met _this year_ , bad mouth and disrespect Louis in his own fucking home? Why didn’t he stand up for the man? He’s known Louis his entire life, and yet he stood there as if Louis didn’t mean any more to him then the dirt stuck to his own shoes. 

Harry’s heart broke more with every step he took into Louis’ room. Everything was gone. It didn’t even _smell_ like Louis anymore. The only thing that hinted that anyone even used this room was the ruffled bed sheets on Louis’ bed. Harry ran his hand over Louis’ desk, the one where the other man had spent hundreds of hours cram studying while Harry had made him food or fed him ice cream. He opened the drawer, expecting to find the usual clutter that was Louis’ desk, but was startled to find nothing in the drawer except a few broken pencils, and a baggie filled with a wad of cash that made Harry’s eyes bulge. He picked up the bag, turning it over to read the words “new apartment” scrawled on it in Louis’ handwriting.

For reasons that Harry couldn’t quite name, his eyes welled up with tears. Him and Louis have had fights, yes, but none of those had been so bad that Louis _left_ . None of them had ever resorted to the two of them being separated, and they always got over themselves in a few days time, but this one. This one felt final. Louis made the decision to leave, and Harry had to deal with that, because what could he do? What did he have the right to do? He didn’t even notice that Louis had been unhappy, which is literally his _job_ , so who was he to ask Louis to come back to a place he knew he wasn’t happy in? 

Who could blame him though? Although it hurts like hell, Harry is glad Louis did something to better himself. He deserves so much better than a house that isn’t a home with a man who can’t even successfully be his best friend. 

That night, Harry fell asleep tangled in Louis’ bedsheets just like he would’ve done months ago. Only this time, there wasn’t a heated body who liked to steal the comforter lying next to him. 

Ooh, I got a crush on you

I hope you feel the way that I do

I get a rush

When I'm with you

Ooh, I've got a crush on you

A crush on you

The first two seconds of Harry’s day were the absolute best, he woke up surrounded by what little was left of _Louis_ in the room, and stretched, loving the sounds of his joints popping. But then, he was overwhelmed with the realization that _Louis isn’t here, and he isn’t coming back_ , and he felt his heart crack again. 

Getting out of Louis’ bed, only to see all of his missing clothing thrown into a pile in the corner of the room opposite of where the things Louis had been packing to take with him, was the hardest thing Harry has ever had to go through. The understanding that Louis wasn’t planning on taking them with him, and that he was going to give them _back_ to Harry, made him want to cry again. He picked up a few of them and brought them to his nose, just to see, just to find out if they still smelled like the other man. He didn’t know what was up with his body and the smell of Louis, but he didn’t care. He was heartbroken, and it brought him comfort. But when he inhaled, and the scent of _his_ fabric softener, and not _Louis’_ hit his nose, it only made things worse. He threw the sweatshirts back down on the ground and left the room.

He couldn’t stay in this house. He couldn’t do it. He had to get out. He decided he was going to go to Kendall’s, hopefully she could get his mind off of this, though preferably without the sex. Harry didn’t know if he even had it in him to get anything up, he just wanted to be able to be sad and held. 

Throwing on his shoes and grabbing his things, Harry started the walk to her apartment, which was only a few blocks away. 

Everything around his apartment complex reminded him of Louis, and he had never noticed until he realized that last night could very well be the last time he sees Louis for a long time. The park that was right around the corner, all of the cafes and restaurants that he and Louis used to frequent, the art museum that Harry had never been interested in until Louis had insisted on going. Everything he saw hurt his heart in ways he didn’t even realize he could be hurt. 

Eventually, he made it to Kendall’s complex, and began his journey up the stairs. It wasn’t too bad, Kendall only living on the second floor. He knocked on her door, and waited to see the beautiful face that would hopefully put his heart a little at ease. What he got instead of the welcoming greeting from his beloved girlfriend that he expected, was,

“Stop it! Sorry, how much did you say it was over the phone?” Along with the arms of Liam Payne wrapped around her waist and his lips on her neck as she opened the door. Harry’s mouth went dry. She giggled as she tried to wiggle away from the man and handed out money to Harry as if he was just the pizza guy. Finally deciding to look up at Harry, she realized what was going on.

“Oh, hey baby. Why didn’t you text me?” Kendall giggled, staring at Harry as if what was happening currently wasn’t happening. Liam cared just about as much as Kendall did, evidently, because even in Harry’s presence, he didn’t remove his arms from around her waist, even if Kendall was trying to subtly push them away, which wasn’t working. 

“I, uh, I. . . What the fuck?” Harry rarely ever stuttered, always having a good grip on what he wanted to say, but that trait has seemed to have disappeared. Harry vaguely wondered why he was actually so _okay_ with the fact that he just caught his girlfriend of eight months getting it on with another man and mistaking him for the post mates delivery guy.

Kendall reached out to touch his arm.

“Oooh, cat got your tongue? You wanna join us baby?” Kendall slurred, and the fact that she could fake a sexy purr on command, just to try and distract him from the fact that she had just been caught cheating on him, was enough for Harry.

“No. Actually, I think it’d be good if I didn’t see you for awhile. Actually, I think it’d be good if we just didn’t see each other at all anymore. See ya, Kendall.” And with that, Harry turned around and went back down the stairs quicker than he ever had before, pushing the door open and stepping into the cold. 

It didn’t make any sense to him. He should be sad right? He loved Kendall, and she cheated on him. She _cheated_ on him, and probably had been for Lord _knows_ how long, and obviously didn’t care, _at all_. Harry, should obviously be hurt by that. But he had barely even felt it, had barely even cared. The only thing still on his mind was the same thing that he had come over to forget. 

Harry was at the park before he realized that his feet were even taking him somewhere. Sitting on the cold metal of the swings, something in his brain reminded him of the night he and Louis first moved into their apartment. He could remember sitting on these exact swings, looking out at the view of their town, both feeling so elated that they finally had their own place. Letting it really sink in that they were grown, starting Uni at the same school and even being able to share the same apartment.

_“Do you remember when we were younger and we thought that our senior prom was going to be the most important night of our lives?” Harry looked up at Louis, smiling at the memory the man brought back to life._

_“Yeah, I do. Look at us now though Lou. I’m proud of us. We’ve come a long way, you know?”_

_Louis smiled. He smiled his sunshine smile, as Harry liked to call it. The one where his eyes crinkled at the sides and almost all of his teeth showed. Harry loved that smile._

_“Yeah, I do know.”_

Harry hadn’t realized he was crying until he felt the salty droplets hit his hands that were clasped in his lap. Shaking his head, he got up, and began the walk back to the apartment, wondering how this was ever going to be okay.

\-----

About a month passed, with Harry having not talked to Kendall since he caught her with Liam, not talked to Louis other than when the man asked him to pack up the rest of his things -which had sent Harry into such a depression he didn’t leave the house until all the food he had left went bad-, and having not gone to practically any of his classes. He had tried to go to Luke’s house once, just to see if the chipper man could take his mind off of his loneliness for at least a little bit, but in fact, it had only made things worse. Harry had spilled garlic butter on his t shirt while Luke was taking a shower, and vaguely wondered if the man would have any baggy shirts to fit him. 

Not thinking anything of it, Harry had ventured to Luke’s room to look through the man’s closet, but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the familiar, old hoodie folded on one of the shelves. Harry snatched the sweatshirt off the rack and unfolded it, proving his suspicions. This was the only hoodie left that Harry had been missing, and he’d thought it was the one thing of his that Louis had taken with him, thinking Harry wouldn’t notice. Honestly, Harry had clung to that thought, hoping with everything he had that Louis had decided to take it with him. But to find it in Luke’s closet, who knows how long it’s been here?

“You can take that back, you know, it’s been here for awhile. I was actually wondering when you were going to start to wonder where it was.” Luke walked into the room wearing only a towel, starting to rummage through some of his drawers in an effort to find some of his _own_ clothing. Harry couldn’t think, he was currently too overwhelmed with the disappointment of knowing that Louis didn’t take anything of _his_ with him when he left, he didn’t want anything to do with Harry. And it was Harry’s own fault. 

“How long has this been here?” 

The sadness in Harry’s voice couldn’t be masked over even if he _had_ tried to cover it up.

“A _long_ time. Like, months. You remember that night I asked Lou to come over ‘cuz me and Az had a fight? He left it here and just never got around to getting it back I guess. I haven’t worn it, just washed it and put it away. I honestly forgot it was even here.” Luke wasn’t even paying attention to the effect his words had on Harry, he was too busy changing into the clothes he had grabbed. But Harry, all Harry could focus on was how his heart somehow managed to break even more. He remembered that night perfectly, because that was the night he had introduced Kendall to Louis. Harry had been so excited, so ready for his significant other to get along well with the other single most significant person in his life. But obviously that hadn’t happened, and now, here they were. 

“Oh, I guess I will take it back then, if you don’t mind.” Luke just nodded and went about getting dressed. By the time he had put on some clothes, Harry was still sitting on the bed with his hands in Louis’, _his_ sweater.

“You know. You should talk to him. He’s not going to know you’re going through it if you don’t tell him.” Luke empathized, slowly going to rub Harry’s back.

“That’s the last thing I think he would want, or need from me. I was such an asshole to him, I literally cannot believe I ever acted that way towards him. And _him_ , him of all people! The guy who’s supposed to be my best mate, I wouldn’t want me crawling back and trying to pathetically apologize either. Nobody can blame him,” Luke let Harry rant, mentally cursing the both of them for being so goddamn stubborn. “You know what? I think I’m just gonna go home. Thank you though Luke. It means a lot.” And with that Harry stood up and tried, but failed, to momentarily gather himself, before he walked out Luke’s bedroom door and down the hall, and then out of the house. It was raining outside, which of course it was raining, and Harry just shook his head and began the trek back home. 

Ooh, I wish I could tell somebody

But there's no one to talk to, nobody knows

I've got a crush on you

A crush on you, I got a crush

That had been another month ago. Now two months without having talked to Louis, Harry stood in his mother’s kitchen, having just broken down and finally having to explain to Anne why he had so suddenly needed a “weekend back home”. Gemma had been an innocent bystander sitting in the kitchen when Harry had broken down, so she by default had listened to the explanation as well. 

“A-And now, now I don’t know how he is, I don’t know how Johannah is because I didn’t think I’d be welcome to visit, I haven’t talked to him in months and I don’t know what to fucking do with myself anymore.” Harry put his head in his hands and let the sobs rack through his body yet again, but this time in front of other people. 

Anne was not having it, with Harry’s explanation _or_ the crying.

“First of all, _language_ . Second of all, I cannot believe you. I cannot believe that _my_ son would do such a thing. And you said this Kendall girl, who I never got to meet, or even _know_ about, cheated on you? Well was she worth it Harry? Was she worth losing Louis? And you said you haven’t seen Jo yet? Have you even bothered to find out what’s wrong with her? She has Leukemia, Harry. And whether you and Louis are friends or not right now, she is family, they _all_ are, and you are going to visit her tomorrow. Because she was kind enough to put all of us on her list.” Anne moved across the kitchen to stick her finger into Harry’s chest. “Just because you lost sight of what’s important doesn’t mean everyone else has Harry. You need to get your shit together before you come home telling me about all of these horrible things you’ve done, expecting me to comfort you when this seems like it was your fault. I’m not going to commend you for doing something wrong. You’re a man Harry, act like it. Fix your own damn problems.” And with that, Anne left the kitchen and stomped up the stairs.

To say that Harry was utterly speechless, was an understatement. Never had his mother spoke to him like that, and it obviously only made him feel worse. 

Gemma though, bless her soul, saw straight through it. 

“You know she’s just worried about Johannah, right? She meant all she said, but under normal conditions she never would have been that harsh. You know.” Gemma said, coming over to Harry to rub his back. She was right. Harry did know. But it didn’t hurt any less. 

“I don’t know what to do, Gems. I can’t handle Louis hating me. It’s tearing me up. I’ve never been this long without him, I don’t know what to do.” Harry had stopped crying, but he wasn’t calmer by any means, and he didn’t look any better either. Gemma laughed at her brothers own stupidity, wondering how even after all these years he hadn’t figured it out yet. 

“I think you need to go visit his mum first Harry. Hell, don’t even wait until tomorrow, I doubt you’d be able to sleep tonight anyways. Go talk to her, I’m sure she'd love to see a new face, one that she also misses, I’m sure.” Gemma rubbed Harry’s head, and waited for him to gather himself enough to stand up. Grabbing the flowers from the vase on the table, Gemma looked at Harry once more before setting them down in front of Harry and saying, “And Harry? Once you figure everything out? Know that I think you’re a fucking idiot for not realizing it sooner.” 

Harry was confused, and opened his mouth to defend himself but Gemma just waved him off and walked out of the kitchen. He looked down at the flowers lying on the counter in front of him, and prayed to God that Louis wouldn’t be there when he arrived at the hospital. He also ignored the part of him, that really did hope he’d be there.

You say everything that no one says

But I feel everything that you're afraid to feel

I will always want you, I will always love you

I've got a crush…

Pulling into the parking garage of the hospital that Johannah was staying in was the most nerve wracking things Harry has ever had to do. Not only because of the _huge_ possibility that Louis is going to be there when Harry goes up, but because she knows. Louis is literally her son, and Harry has never met someone closer to their mum then Louis, not even himself. So there was no way that Jo _didn’t_ know about everything Harry did to Louis. How rude he was to the other man over what, a stupid girl? That turned out to just want to fuck him 24/7 anyway? He couldn’t believe himself. He wouldn’t be surprised if she kicked and screamed him out of her hospital room the second she saw him. 

Harry temporarily shook the thoughts out of his head long enough to grab his flowers, parking ticket, and wallet out of the front seat before locking his car and beginning to commute up to her room. Harry’s been here many times for Johannah. Not for blood cancer, obviously, but knowing Louis since they were both toddlers has its perks when your best mates mum just can’t seem to stop popping out babies. Harry’s heart hurt. And not just for Louis anymore. He realized that he hadn’t only been ignoring Louis, but his whole family. Both of their families spent everything together, and Harry can’t remember the last time he’d been called bubba Haz from Doris. It broke his heart. 

Being too caught up in his thoughts from the past, he hadn’t realized his brain had moved his legs for him and he found himself standing at the door that would open and show Johannah Deakin, the mother of his best friend, the woman who rubbed his back and cooked him food when his mother had been too busy working to do so herself. There Harry stood, in front of the door of his second mother, who was dying, who he hadn’t even bothered to visit because he was so obsessed with himself and his own well being. He didn’t deserve to be here. There was no way that she’d _want_ him there either. He’d deal with the wrath from his mum and Gems later, but right now? He couldn’t do this.

“Harry Edward Styles if you don’t get your pigeon toed ass in this hospital room, I was personally rip out all the machines stuck to me and drag you in here myself.” 

Harry’s mouth fell open. Through his mental turmoil, he hadn’t realized that the blinds on her door only went down to knee length and he’d been standing there for about five minutes looking like a downright fool. He felt the tips of his ears flush. Harry felt the tears start to fall down his face before he even saw Johannah, but once he opened the door fully and saw the oxygen tube in her nose, the heart rate patches and the breath ox wrapped around her finger he lost it completely. He set the flowers down on a chair near the side of the room before falling to his knees at her bedside.

“Harry honey don’t cry. I’m going to be fine. All the machines make it look a lot worse than what it actually is. And there’s also the hair thing. I’m sorry you had to see me like this baby.” She stroked Harry’s head as he cried into the blanket that was covering her and continued to whisper sweet nothings into his hair before he finally calmed down enough to speak.

“I’m so sorry Jo. I’m so so so sorry, and I know I shouldn’t even be here but mum and Gemma said you’d appreciate a visit and I really missed you and I’ve wanted to come since the second I found out but I didn’t think I’d be welcomed and-”

“Harry in the Lord's name will you shut up for four seconds?” Jo said, pulling Harry’s head up to look at her. “Jesus you still talk a mile a minute don’t you?”

“Well, not _that_ much has changed since the last time you saw me.” Harry smirked, wiping his face with the sleeves of the sweater he was wearing. 

“I’m offended that you consider losing my son as ‘not that much change’” Jo smirked, keeping her hands running through Harry’s brown locks almost as if to reassure him that she wasn’t as angry as he had assumed. The comment caused him to hang his head though. 

“Trust me, I don’t. That was worlds away from what I meant.”

“I know baby. Look at me,” and Harry did. He looked right into the eyes of the woman who birthed the best man on the planet, his best friend, the man he chewed up and shit on. “Oh you’ve grown so much. I never even noticed. You and Lou will always be my little babies, no matter how big you get, or how many mistakes you make.” 

“So you know then?” Harry asks dumbly, hoping for an answer he knows isn’t true.

“Of course I know hon. What kind of man would Louis be if he didn’t tell me everything that’s going on with him?” 

“No, I know. I knew that. But. I guess I was just hoping.” Harry murmured, close to tears yet again at the fact the he’d lost his best friend and now it was final because Jo knew about it.

“Enough about him baby. How are you doing?” Jo asked, wiping a stray tear that’d fallen from Harry’s eyes. He was speechless. This woman knew how badly he’d hurt Louis and yet she still cared about how he was doing. He absolutely did not deserve this kind of treatment. But the question stuck. It hit home, and it resonated through Harry’s entire body. Because how _was_ he doing? He was a mess .He was a stupid mess and he couldn’t fix anything because he didn’t know how.

“I’m awful. I miss him so much Jo. Everywhere I go I just see shit that reminds me of him and I know I’m not allowed to see him or talk to him or show him things because he fucking hates me. But he has that right! He’s allowed to hate me! I treated him so awfully and I’m the only one who gets to suffer for it and that’s all I deserve and I _know_ that but I just. I miss him Jo. I miss him and I can’t tell him that because he doesn’t deserve that from somebody who didn’t even remember he existed for half a year.” And just like that Harry was back in tears. 

“Harry, hon, you’re allowed to make amends. You’re allowed to apologize. I can’t tell you that you will be forgiven, but no matter _what_ you do you are _allowed_ to also have closure.”

“No! I’m not allowed! I am not entitled to absolutely anything. I hurt him so bad Jo, you can’t understand. I could never live with myself if he didn't accept my apology, and I _know_ he won’t. I just. I can’t-” 

“Harry Styles. Look at me right now.” Jo snapped, putting her index finger under Harry’s chin to lift it to her line of sight. “Louis is in _love_ with you, you idiot. He has been since the tenth grade. He almost dropped out of high school when you asked him to prom because he was too nervous to go with you. All he ever did, ever has, and probably ever will talk about is you, and the fact that you’re sitting here complaining that you’re too scared to apologize to this man who is absolutely head over heels in love with you, who also _deserves_ the closure and an apology from the only man he’s literally ever loved who threw him to the basement the second a prettier girl came along, is outrageous!” 

Harry’s mouth fell open again, and he vaguely remembers feeling like this just hours earlier when his own actual mother was chastising him for a similar thing. “Look, I don’t mean to shout. You know I absolutely adore you hon. But you’ve hurt my baby in such a way, that I can barely recognize him anymore. Much to normal people’s ego’s when they’re in this position, even though I know you’re not normal, Louis looks like shit, and he’s really sad. And meanwhile, I’m stuck in here while _you’re_ supposed to protect my baby, because you _made_ that promise when I let him move in with you, and yet you’re the reason he’s practically killing himself! Louis is in utter love with you Harry, and you’ve just been too blind to notice the fact that you love him too, and it’s literally destroying you both.” Johannah’s face was red as a beet once her speech was finished, and she removed her hand from Harry’s face, not missing how he had followed it until he couldn’t anymore.

“Of course I love Lou. That’s why I know he-”

“That’s the thing Harry! You don’t know anything! You don’t know Louis because you haven’t talked to him in four months! You don’t know how he reacted or how he feels because you never bothered to check in on him! And you obviously don’t know anything about yourself either because a blind woman could see that you look at my son like he hung the moon and the stars. You’re _in love_ with Louis, Harry. And you know it. Just fucking _think_ about it.” Johannah was desperate now, you’d be able to tell even if the machines she was currently hooked up to weren’t proving it for you. Her face was a deep red and she was out of breathe from ranting about how bloody stupid Harry apparently was and honestly? Harry could see it. 

Now, every single moment Harry has ever found Louis attractive didn’t flash through his head like a photostrip. Normal mates think they’re friends look good and it’s impossible not to compliment Louis when he’s looking nice. But the memories that _counted_ flashed through his head. Going back to the first one he can remember. Prom. He had asked Louis out because neither of them had dates and it just felt right that they were going together. Some of their mates poked fun because they literally went as each others dates, and of course to some knucklehead seventeen year olds that’s considered “gay”, but Harry didn’t care. He remembers opening up the door to Louis’ house and seeing Louis. It was just his Louis, but with his hair a different style and his clothes way fancier than normal. But Harry lost his breathe and his heart rate had sped up, and he had never been able to explain why. He remembers making eye contact with Louis and saying something stupid like “oh you clean up nice” but he couldn’t take his eyes away from the glimmer in Lou’s blue orbs and he found that he didn’t even want to. He had never been more upset at a night for ending then he was at that one.

And then there was when they both got accepted to the same college. The day they bought an apartment together. Moving in together. Creating so many memories that would forever only be _their_ memories, and Harry sat there noticing every time he felt his body just stop and have to admire Louis because he simply was. Louis. He noticed every time he felt this deep pull, this urge from somewhere so deep inside him he didn't even know what to do with it, but it was always involving Louis. He remembers spending nights frustrated to all hell and back because he couldn’t figure out why he felt so weird when Louis would just sit next to him and use him as a foot cushion but now he knows what it was. He was longing. He was longing for a person he could’ve had for the past ten years of his life and who was apparently _more_ than willing to be taken and he couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t believe he’d been such a fucking idiot this _whole_ time. 

Harry noticed that more tears had begun to trail down his face. 

“What do I do? I messed up so bad. I never even knew. How did I not know Jay?” Johannah took pity on the tiny whimpers coming from the boy still on his knees next to her hospital bed and put a hand on his head again. 

“It’s okay, but you have to fix this. You can’t run from it or ignore it. It’s killing both of you, everybody can tell. If you want to make up ruining the promise you made to me, go apologize to my Lou.”

Harry stood up and kissed the woman he adored almost as much as he did his own mother and said one word.

“Okay.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------

Harry had never sped down this road this fast in his entire life. He knew that the last thing he needed was to get pulled over, but he really didn’t care. All he cared about was getting to that fucking house, and opening his fucking mouth and finally, _finally_ , making something right again. He knew that there was a very high chance, that even though Harry had pulled his head out of his ass long enough to finally see what was going on, that he might have to deal with Louis not forgiving him. 

He didn’t know how he’d be able to deal with it, but he would have to figure it out. Harry knew he didn’t deserve to be forgiven, especially since this has been going on for so long and he never even realized. He never even _noticed._ But he knew. Harry always knew he just didn’t _know_ that he knew. 

Pulling into Louis’ old driveway was a surreal moment. He hadn’t been here in forever, but he remembered everything about it. Like that pothole on the right side of the driveway no one else besides him was able to avoid. Harry parked his car and hopped out of it in all of 10 seconds, before sprinting up to the front door. He knocked four times, pounding on the door aggressively. 

Harry sighed when the door finally opened to reveal his Louis, the man he hasn’t seen in months. At least Johannah hadn’t been lying, Louis looked just as much of a mess as Harry did, with the bags under his eyes and scruff that looked like it should’ve been shaved days ago. But to Harry? He was still the most beautiful person he’d ever seen. It felt good, it felt _right_ to think things like that. He hadn’t realized, but in the back of his head, he always had. It felt good to bring those thoughts to the forefront of his mind. 

“Harry? What the fuc-“

“I’m in love with you.” Harry cried, interrupting the profanities about to fall from Louis’ opened mouth.

“That’s not funny Harry.” Louis replied, looking as if he was about to cry. It broke Harry’s heart. How could he have been so stupid?

“No, I’m not joking Lou. I’m sorry I’m such an idiot. Can I please come in?” The hope that fell from Harry’s mouth probably made him seem like a fool, but that’s what he was so he didn’t care. He just needed to say this. Whether Louis’ accepted it or not, he couldn’t know, but he did know that he had to get this off his chest or he’d explode. When Louis didn’t move to let him in, Harry spoke again. “Please Louis. Please. I will literally get on my knees outside of your house if you don’t say yes. I just need to explain. Please please please. I promise if after I say everything you still want me out that I’ll leave, but I need to say it or I’m gonna-“ 

“Christ Harry shut up. Come in,” Louis said, crossing his arms as he opened the door wider to accommodate Harry’s size. “You’re being fucking embarassing.” Breathing a sigh of relief, Harry walked into the home he practically grew up in. Everything was still the same, except now he could see everything that used to be in _his_ house was now in this one. It reminded him of why he was really here. He wasn’t here to reminisce, he needed to get to the point or he might lose his chance. 

Turning to Louis he said,

“I’m in love with you. And I promise I am. I swear to God I am. And you’re in love with me too. I went and talked to your mum. She told me everything,” Harry saw the rage in Louis eyes build before he said anything, so he made sure to address it right away. “And before you get angry with her, let me explain. _I_ should’ve been able to fucking tell without asking your bloody _mum_ , and I know that. Hell, I think I _did_ know. I've known how I feel about you since high school Lou, I just never _knew_ I knew. And I know that’s not good enough and I know I’ve put you through so much and then with that whole thing with Kendall, I don’t deserve you even listening to my stupid explanation right now but I love you. And I’m sorry I don’t have anything better than that. But I love you and I’ve always loved you and I know I’ve dated so many people since then but I fell in love with you our senior year. Do you remember prom night? Do you remember how that was practically the best night of our lives and we always had no clue why? Do you remember being incredibly nervous to see each other but not being able to place why you were nervous? We were in love with each other and we were both too blind to even realize. Or at least I was. I remember sweating bullets before opening this same door I just fucking walked through and seeing the most gorgeous man I’ve ever bloody fucking seen in my life and I’ve been in love with you since. I watched you dance all night that night and I wanted to kiss you so bad but I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I didn’t fucking realize and I’m so stupid but I’m so fucking sorry Lou, I’m so fucking sorry.” 

Sucking a breath in, Harry realized he hadn’t been doing so before. He was so nervous he forgot to breathe. Looking at Louis, he saw that the rage in his eyes had melted away and had been replaced by a look that he recognized, but couldn’t name. But he wanted to know. He needed to know what it meant. 

“I don’t know what to do. I need to know what to do. What can I do Louis? I need you to tell me I can fix this. Because I’m standing here, and I’ve just left my heart wide open and you’re not saying anything and I’m freaking out because I know I said I’d understand if you didn’t want to forgive me but I need you to tell me I can fix this because-“

“Kiss me.” 

Harry stopped. He looked up at Louis and saw that same look in his eyes, but Louis looked serious. He looked beautiful and more than Harry could ever deserve, but he looked serious. Surely Harry hadn’t heard him right. 

“What?”

“You asked what to do. Prove it. You said you’re in love with me, so prove it. Kiss me.” And. Harry could do that. He hadn’t known what to expect when he was driving over here, to get kicked in the gut, and out of Louis’ life for good maybe, but not this. Harry wouldn’t have been able to handle the first two, but Harry could handle this. He could do this. 

So he did. He took three steps forward and he was suddenly much much closer to Louis than he ever thought he’d get. He wasn’t gonna mess this up. He put his hand on Louis’ neck, securely cupping the side of his head with his hand, as he rubbed his Lou’s cheek with his thumb. 

“You’re beautiful, you know that? I can't believe I never figured it out.” Harry said, leaning in and whispering the words into Louis’ ear. He placed a kiss to the spot where his ear met the rest of his head. He placed another kiss on Louis’ jaw, slowly making his way to Louis lips. Looking up into his eyes, Harry asked Louis the question. _Is this still okay?_

Louis whispered,

“Please.” 

And who was Harry to deny such a beautiful boy asking for something so nicely? He leant in and placed their lips together. And. There weren't any fireworks popping off inside Harry’s head. There weren’t church choirs singing in the background. But it made _sense._ It made _sense_ to be kissing Louis. It made sense that Louis lips felt the way they did against his. Soft. Just like Louis. It made sense. Everything made sense. The looks from Louis made sense. The feeling in his gut made sense. This is what it should feel like. This is what being in love should feel like. 

They kissed for what felt like hours. They just stood in Louis’ kitchen holding each other, telling the other everything with their lips that they couldn’t with their words. Harry’s right hand removed itself from it’s rightful spot on Louis’ neck to travel down the smaller mans sides to hold on tightly to his hip, afraid that if he let go he’d wake up and realize all of this was just a dream or that Louis would run away and kick him out of his home. 

Much to Harry’s dismay, the kiss did end, but Louis didn’t run away, Not yet, at least. He just removed the hands that had traveled their way up to Harry’s shoulders down to his own waist while he laid his head on Harry chest, trying to catch his breath. 

“You make it so fucking hard to hate you Harry.” He said, pulling away from Harry’s chest. Harry made pathetic grabby hands towards Louis, but it was to no avail. 

“Then _don’t_. I’m so sorry Louis I can’t, I literally don’t know what to do. I’ve missed you so fucking much, I can’t handle you leaving me again. I can’t-”

“No! Harry. I absolutely cannot do this right now.” Louis yelled as he pushed Harry away.

“What do you mean? You’re the one who told me to kiss you! I did! And I’m standing here, telling you that I love you, and that I want you and that that kiss meant more to me than anything else in this entire world ever has and you’re just standing there! I don’t know what I can do! Help me out Louis!” Harry yelled, throwing his arms up in the air, causing Louis to flinch. Louis turned around from where he had been facing away from Harry with a new look in his eyes. That fiery anger that Harry had never thought would be used on him before the whole Kendall debacle happened.

“No! You know what Harry? No. I will not help you. You’ve ruined my life. My mother is fucking _dying_ and you weren’t there. And I know it's because I left. I know it's because you're too stubborn to realize that you should have reached out because you didn’t think I would’ve answered, but no. I am not going to help you. Because you never helped me. And you dont get to come crashing in here saying that “we were too stupid to realize” bullshit because it was always only you! You could've asked anybody either of us ever knew and they'd still tell you to this day that I was utterly, and idiotically in love with you. _You’re_ just the idiot Harry. And I stood by you for _years_ . _YEARS._ And for what? To be practically forced out of my own house? My first house that I called my own? The one I shared with my best friend? I waited for you for so fucking long, that I dont even want anybody else. And that has ruined me. I’ve past up so many amazing chances with amazing people who probably would’ve treated me better than you did but because I wanted to be with _you_ and only you and you just couldn’t fucking love me back, I was stuck by myself. And I did everything. I was the perfect best friend, I was there when every girlfriend inevitably didn't work out for you and I hugged you and kissed your head and did all of this shit that _boyfriends_ do, but then you'd go and find another girl that was prettier and better than me and you _crushed_ my self esteem Harry! You've ruined it! And you don't even care!” Tears were streaming down Louis’ face by the end of his confession and Harry was at a loss for words. Everything made sense now. Everything made even _more_ sense now. Especially Louis never being at their apartment, planning on leaving the apartment even before his mum got diagnosed. Everything made sense, and it only made it worse for Harry.

In that moment, Harry’s heart broke. Not for himself, not because of a death in the family or because of a really bad breakup. His heart broke because he had to stand here and watch Louis sob about how unwanted Harry made him feel. In every single sense of the word. As a partner, as a friend, and even as a human being. And in that moment, he decided that the only way his heart was going to be fixed was by showing Louis just how wrong he was. Just how incorrect his thoughts about him were. Harry wasn’t ever allowed to have a full happy heart until the day he managed to prove to Louis that he was wanted and he was worth more than somebody who abandons him when he needs him most. And on top of all of that, Harry was going to prove to Louis that he was the one for him, that he was the one that could make him feel loved again. And that started tonight. 

Harry sunk to his knees and crawled over to where Louis had moved to his living room. He reached out to grab ahold of Louis’ knee, not missing the way he flinched away from the touch. “Louis, babes, I know. I know, I know, I know. I was awful. I’m so sorry I didn’t notice how much I was hurting you, how much I didn’t notice you at all, how stupid I was being. I am so so sorry. Please tell me I can fix it. Because you are noticeable. You’re incredible. You are wanted. By me! I want you more than anything. I _need_ you more than anything. I love you, and I always have. Always. There was never a bone in my body that didn’t love you, even when my head was constantly too far up other girls asses to notice it. You’re it for me Lou. I love you, and I need you to tell me that it’s okay.” 

“But that’s the problem, Harry!” Louis cried, turning around and almost sending Harry flying. He stood up to witness Louis’ next admission. “I can’t just tell you that it’s okay because it isn’t! It's not okay! _I'm not_ okay. You don't get it! I've spent the last couple months of my life wondering what i ever did that was so wrong that my best friend couldn't even get back into contact with my after we fought. Like. I know it might've been unreasonable for me to leave. I get it. But my mum is _dying_ Harry! And surely you knew that! But you didn't check up on me one single time. I've spent these months wracking my brain with the fact that you were so much happier with Kendall taking my spot, that you didn't even need me as a _friend_ anymore. So tell me. What did I do? What did I do that was so goddamn bad for you Harry? Because I simply cannot pick my brain hard enough to find a time that I did you so wrong that would make you just “cool” with me leaving. And that hurts! You have always been the only person I cared about enough to do anything for and you let me leave. You let me walk away from you and literally out of your life and you didn't do anything except close the door behind my back. So no, Harry, I can't tell you its okay. Because it’s not. It's so far from okay that im honestly surprised you showed up here.”

“Then let me _make_ it okay Lou. I don’t care how you let me, I don’t care when, but I need you to say that I can try and fix this. I promise I can. I promise I’ll do everything in my power to make you feel better. I'll be your best friend. I'm sorry I wasn't there before but im here now and im begging you to let me make everything better. Because none of this what your fault. All of the blame is absolutely on me. I can't stand the fact the you blame yourself for all of this Lou, because that's wrong. None of it was you and all of it was me and I’m just trying to fix it.”

Harry had tears in his eyes by the time he was done speaking, and he was holding his hands out to Louis for him to take a hold of. He didn’t.

“Lay down with me. That’s all I want. Just cuddle me and give me a fucking hug and we’ll talk about it later.” And that was worlds away from the answer Harry was expecting, so he jumped at the opportunity to do something he _knows_ he can do. Cuddle Louis.

“Okay, yeah. Yeah. If that’s what you want. I’ll do whatever you want Lou.” And without another word Louis turned on his heels and walked up the stairs to where Harry already knew his bedroom was. He knew this house like the front and back of his hand. Harry stood there like the bloody idiot he is for approximately ten seconds before rushing up the stairs behind Louis and into the room he hadn’t been in for years. Not much had changed, not much except for the bed that was now a kings size, and all the posters they had bought for their apartment were on the walls of _this_ room instead. The _main_ difference though, was that this room now had a shirtless Louis in it. Louis wasn’t being a tease, he wasn’t undressing with the intentions of being taken to bed, he was simply taking off his shirt so he could sleep more comfortably, because one thing Harry knows absolutely couldn’t have changed is that louis sleeps so much during his sleep that he has to be practically naked. Of course Harry had acknowledged it before, but it was just normal. He’d always seen louis like that, he had just never realized the feelings he felt when he did look at him, was him being bloody fucking in love with him. 

Louis could feel Harry’s gaze burning through his back, so he turned around to find a genuine dopey eyed Harry staring straight at him. Before Louis could say anything Harry said,

“You’re beautiful.” Louis felt the tips of his ears go red before he stripped the rest of the way down to his boxers and climbed into his bed. The one he desperately missed sharing with Harry, as if he’d ever actually admit that to anyone. 

“And you’re about to be kicked out of my house like I should've done an hour ago.” Louis snapped, turning away from Harry.

Harry felt incredibly insecure about his ability to comfort Lous the way he needs right now, but unless something major changed, harry knows for a fact what he _is_ good at. He starts looking through Louis’ clothes drawers to find a pair of joggers that might fit him. Hearing the scuffling noises behind him, Louis turned around to see Harry awkwardly shoving his giraffe legs into a pair of sweats that just _barely_ fit him.

“What are you doing?” He asked, all of the malice had somehow slipped out of his body. He knew he needed to talk to Harry. He can’t just let the man waltz back into his home, literally, and just pretend like everything was fine. But its been _months_ , and Louis’ never missed somebody as much as he’s missed Harry. So for right now, hes going to deal with it, because all he’s wanted for these past months was to be held, and if Harry would actually hurry the fuck up and get in the bed, he’d be getting what he so patiently waited for. 

“Just because I was an asshole doesn’t mean I forgot that you can’t lay down with me unless my shirts off and my “prickly ass legs” are covered up.” Harry grinned softly at the other man before scooting in behind him on the bed. 

It was awkward at first, what with harry lying on top of the blanket and louis just lying there as stiff as a board.

“You can get under the covers you idiot.”

“I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable Lou.”

“Well you’re making me uncomfortable by just lying there you big oaf.”

Following Louis’ orders, Harry slowly moved himself into the warmth that was hiding under Louis’ blanket, not missing the fact that Louis was shaking. 

“Can I hold you Lou? Please? I need you to understand.” Begging wasn’t something Harry normally did, but right now, in this moment, he was willing to do anything to get his hands on Louis. 

“Please.” 

It was nothing more than a small whimper into the pillows, but it was something, and Harry would take it. Sliding in behind the smaller man, Harry was the most nervous he'd ever been. He was absolutely not allowed to do anything wrong. He just needed louis to understand. He gets why Louis wouldn't believe him, who would? But now Harry was here and he was getting the chance to fix what he'd fucked up, so he needed to be cautious of everything he did and said. Louis’ body was completely shaking, and at this point Harry couldn't tell if it was from the temperature or if maybe he was nervous too. 

\--

Louis was shaking because of the nerves. It was already hot as fuck under this blanket and now Harry Styles, his best friend since they could walk, the only man he’s ever loved, and the man he hasn’t spoken to in _months_ , was sliding his body behind him and his mind was slowly catching up to him to remind him that they havent been close enough to cuddle since long before he left the apartment. He wasn’t even sure if he remembered how. But he needed it. He needed Harry to prove to him that he meant something, that he loved him. He needed it more than he needed the air he was breathing. So when he felt those big arms wrap around his middle, it was nobody's business but his if he let out the longest breath he’d ever held and a couple of tears streamed down his face. 

Without any warning louis turned around in Harry's hold and wrapped himself around the mans middle, nuzzling his nose right in between the younger lads pectorals and cried. And cried and cried and cried. And Harry held him through all of it, perhaps tearing up a bit himself because he _knew_ he was the reason that his Lou was crying. 

“Baby I'm so sorry. I’m so so so sorry. I love you. I do. I promise you. Let me tell you, let me explain, please.” Harry jabbled on, squeezing the man in his arms, trying to pour everything he hasn't said into Louis’ skin. He felt Louis nod his head where it lay on Harry's chest so Harry just opened his mouth and didn’t close it back up.

“You’re beautiful. You don’t deserve how I treated you. God, you deserve a man who is never going to not know what his feelings are, you deserve somebody who is going to realize it the second they look at you and know that yes. You're the man im in love with. I'm sorry that man wasn't me. I'm so sorry baby. But I’m telling you that I love you so much that its fucking killing me, having to sit here and hold you while you cry because of something I did. I was awful, you don't deserve awful. You deserve all of my time, and my affection, and my awareness and everything else you could ever want, you deserve it. I'll give it to you. You deserve your best friend being there for you, respecting your decisions, helping you through your mum’s sickness. You deserve everything I didn't do and I wasn’t but I am now. I promise Lou. From the bottom of my heart I swear to god I’ll be all you need. I'll do whatever I need to to prove that to you, I swear. Just tell me what to do, please."

Harry just felt Louis squeeze his middle even harder, so Harry decided that the only thing he could do tonight is get his piece out while holding the love of his life in his bed in the bedroom they practically grew up in. “Have i brought up prom night yet? I can’t remember. But I remember asking you out because that's just how things were inside my head. I didn't register that I literally asked you out to be my _date._ Not my mate, not a pal, my actual date. The boutineers and everything. I really am a fucking idiot. But I remember getting ready and mum kept making fun of how much I was sweating and pacing around waiting for the time to go faster and I never knew the real reason I had been so nervous. I guess I told myself that night that it was because it was my senior prom and I was gonna be hanging out with my best friend all night and nothing else mattered other than the fact that we had both been accepted to Uni and we were both finally so happy and ready for school to be over. But then I showed up to your house Lou and I swear to God I couldn't even knock on the door. But I did, and you opened it, and my brain short circuited. You looked fucking gorgeous. Me and you made eye contact and I don't know if you felt it, but I did. I looked at you and I could not look away and I said something stupid about cleaning up nice and we just went with it and I never even once thought that it was because we were in love with each other, I just thought: “Yes. This is what it’s supposed to be like. I love him, he’s my best friend. This is normal.” and I never thought anything else of it. But those moments have never stopped, I promise. I’ll catch myself looking at you when one of us wouldve been leaving the flat and I wouldnt be able to look away for a second and I don’t know how I didn’t realizse I was checking you out, but I didnt and I am again so fucking sorry for that becuase looking at you right now?” Harry babbled before lifting up the covers slightly to trail his fingers down louis’ back. “You deserve to have me worshipping the ground you walk on. And I know I already did, when we were close at least but I cannot verbally explain to you how fucking beautiful you are to me Lou.” 

Louis still hadn’t responded, his face still in the center of Harry’s chest like that was where it belonged, which quite frankly, Harry didn’t have a problem with it, but he needed Louis to understand.

“Lou, baby, can you look at me please?” Harry asked, putting a finger under Louis’ chin to lift up the smaller lads head to meet Harry’s eyes. When green met blue, Harry’s heart stuttered a little bit. He never believed in the dramatics that stories and movies told you about, but maybe it takes finding your person to figure it out. Harry leaned in and captured Louis’ lips with his, making the other man whimper and grab onto his shoulders. Louis crawled up Harry’s body until he was fully seated his lap and his arms were wrapped around harry’s neck. They were both panting into the others mouth, not quite being prepared for such a rush of need between the two. Harry’s abnormally large hands held onto Louis’ hips like he was afraid that Louis would disappear if he let go, and Louis was pulling Harry’s hair as he attacked him with his lips. 

Reluctantly, Harry pulled away and said,

“Louis, stop. Come on, stop, just a second. I just need to hold you. We don't have to do this. I promise I love you, I don't need you to do this to know that. You could tell me that you never want me to touch you like that ever and I would listen. I love you. I dont need to have sex with you to know that.” 

“Harry… I-” Louis started, before shoving his head in the junction where harry's neck meets his shoulders. “I’ve been waiting ten years to hear you tell me you love me back. I've wanted you to touch me for just as long. You have no clue how much I think about it, how much I actually need it. I need you to make me feel needed. I need it Haz I can't, I can’t handle it. I don't know what to do, I need you to do something or else I might jus-” Harry cut him off before he could finish because he didn't think he could bare to hear the rest of it. 

“I need you to promise me that this is something you want. Not something you need to function because you need to feel wanted. You could have any man in here if you wanted them and they could make you feel wanted. I need you to tell me youre not going to hate me if I agree to do this with you.”

“Why won't you just do it? Must not be as in love with me as you say since you dont even want to fuck me!” 

“Louis of _course_ I want to have sex with you! Have you not been listening to me everytime I’ve opened my mouth for the past hour? But I want to have sex with you when you want to have sex with _me_. Anyone in their right mind would snatch up the opportunity to make you feel good and wanted in a heartbeat, and I so desperately want to be that person but not if you don't want that too.”

“You idiot, I want to feel wanted by _you_ ! I don’t care about those other people! I told you that! All I’ve ever wanted was you! I’ve been in love with you since fucking highschool and ive sat and suffered through every fucked up gilrfriend and held you while you cried and then held _myself_ when _I_ cried. I need you to prove that you want me too.” Louis whispered the last part, and for someone less attuned to everything Louis does, someone that isn't Harry, they might have missed it. But harry didn't.

“Of course I want you baby. How could I not want you? How could _anyone_ not want you? God I’m so sorry I did this to you. I promise I’m going to make up for this. Look at me.” When Louis looked up to Harry he could see the tear tracks running down the beautiful boys face, so he kissed them away, before looking back up to Louis. Harry could see it. The months of pain, and sadness, and utter rejection Louis must have felt by having his own best friend abandon him like he was nothing more than an afterthought. Harry leant in and took Louis’ upper lip with his own, biting on it lightly. “Let me show you.”

After a moment of stillness and silence, Louis whimpered and nodded,

“Please.”

Connecting their lips once again, Harry moved his hands to secure Louis on his lap the way he wanted, before slowly coaxing open the older mans lips to taste him. It had never crossed Harry’s mind, the idea of kissing Louis, not until today. But after he had done it once, he knows now he’ll never be able to stop. Harry could taste the saltiness of the boys tears on his lips, but he also tasted the Spearmint and menthol lingering in his mouth. Smoking was a nasty habit that Louis had managed to break until something stresses him out so much that he tends to turn back to the death infused sticks, but most of the time he didn’t need them because he had Harry. Harry can’t blame him for going back on a habit he knows works when the one he’s reliant on suddenly stops caring about him. 

Louis was kissing Harry like his life dependent on it, and Harry didn’t mind whatsoever. It was sloppy, the way they were kissing, so Harry used both of his hands to grab and angle Louis’ head the way he wanted to slow the kiss down. Obviously not without a whimper coming from Louis. 

“Harry I-”

“Ssh, Lou, we have all the time we need yeah? I’m not going anywhere.and I’m not going to mess this up. You need to know how much you mean to me.” And with that Louis nodded, before finding himself being lifted and turned around on the bed so that he was lying on his back. “God you’re beautiful baby, look at you.” And Harry realized he wasn’t just saying these things as a “heat of the moment” kind of thing, Harry was genuinely captured by the pure beauty of this person lying underneath him. All the things that had caught his attention before, but he had never _really_ paid attention to, were now right in front of him and he was allowed to _do_ something about it. The light dusting of hair on Louis’ chest, the way the muscles in his stomach were pulled tight and were very prominent, but the farther down you go the softer his stomach got. All the while he was admiring Louis, he had been placing kisses along the span of Louis’ body, so when he got to the junction where his leg met his torso, and placed a light kiss on the soft skin there, and is where he ultimately decided to shove his face to suck a love bite into the golden tan skin that sat before him. 

Louis’ whined high in his throat at the action, a noise that was sent straight to Harry’s fattening cock. Harry had never before gotten this hard with someone this quickly by doing something as simple as looking at them. Kissing them. Telling them how much they meant to him and how beautiful they were to him. All the murmured sweet nothings had Louis’ head somewhere fuzzy, too much happening at one time and yet still not nearly enough to fulfill the aching hole inside of him. 

“Harry please, do something.”

“Ssh Lou, I'll take care of you baby.” Was all Harry responded with before taking his hands and running them down the expanse of Louis thick thighs. Harry remembers Louis often complaining about them, but now that Harry knows what he’s doing, he can’t help but growl at the idea of Louis disliking them. Harry roughly sucked a love bite into the skin of Louis’ thigh before making his way back up to Louis’ chest, purposely avoiding the boys rock solid cock, even with Louis’ whines to just “get on with it”. 

Looking up at Louis, Harry smirked before surrounding one of the other man's nipples inside the wet, hot, heat that was his mouth, wanting to burn the image that followed into his mind forever. Louis arched his back into Harry’s mouth, grabbing a firm hold onto Harry’s head, almost to just keep him there and not let him move. Which, gave Harry wonderful ideas but he decided to push those to the back of his mind until further notice. 

“Sensitive here, aren’t you?” Harry whispered before grabbing the now pointy nub in between his thumb and forefinger, and twisted it back and forth while he moved to give the other nipple the same attention. 

“-nnnnng Harry, please.” Louis whined, a noise Harry, nor Louis for that matter, knew he could make. Harry could see the flush spread down to the chest he was currently playing with and decided to show some mercy on the boy. 

“What do you want baby? Do you want me to touch you?” Harry whispered into Louis’ ear, not missing the shiver it sent through Louis’ body. It was obviously a rhetorical question, because as Harry asked the question he began to slowly skim his fingernails down Louis’ torso, loving the way it made the man underneath him squirm. “Where do you want me to touch you honey? Here?” Harry's hand stopped at Louis’ right hip, just squeezing the flesh there until he got a reaction out of Louis, which took all of two seconds. Louis violently shook his head, apparently no longer capable of forming words. “Alright, alright love its okay.” Harry comforted. “Here?” He asked, trailing his hand down to the skin just below Louis’ bellybutton, teasing the tip of the waistband of his boxers with the nail on his thumb. 

“Please Harry, please just touch me, I need it so bad.. Hazza please.” Louis was actually shivering in anticipation and had literally resorted to begging, and Harry was rock hard and wanted this just as much as Louis did, so really why _wasn’t_ he touching him? 

Finally, _finally_ , Harry said,

“Okay baby. Give me one second.” and Louis could finally breathe again. He was going to have sex with harry. Harry wanted him, Harry needed him too. He could finally relax.

Harry shucked his clothes off in .2 seconds, and was back on the bed clad in nothing but boxers that rivaled the tightness in Louis’. Louis couldn't help but stare, not just at the obvious monster that was in Harry’s underwear, but just at Harry. Louis’ seen him naked so many times he couldn't count them all to save his life. But in this context, where he knew the reason Harry was undressed was because of _him_ , it took the breath away from Louis’ _again_. 

“Please.” came from the boy who was barely hanging by a thread underneath Harry, and so Harry decided it was finally time to save him. Reaching down, Harry grabbed ahold of the top of Louis’ briefs and slowly pulled, and pulled, and pulled down those luscious thighs and the well defined calves that Harry could probably drool over if he looked at them for too long. 

That was when Harry got nervous. He’d somehow managed to pull this suave, charming sex demon out from up his ass, but now that it was time to actually perform he was scared. Absolutely petrified, actually. He couldn't afford to mess this up. If he messed this up then his chances to still be in Louis’ life would disappear completely Hes already walking on thin ice, he cant afford to fuck something up this big. 

In the middle of his big realization, he suddenly felt a foot hit him in the side of the head. 

“Harry i swear to god if you dont get up here and touch my cock and kiss my face I’m gonna kick you out of my fucking house.” And suddenly it was like a switch flipped. Because Louis was nervous too. He’d literally been shaking this whole time and it was definitely not a temperature issue considering the front of Harry's hair is already sticking to his forehead and they haven't even done anything but kiss yet. 

“There’s my Lou,” Harry smirked before throwing the underwear somewhere behind him and going back up to kiss Louis. “I just want this to be good for you, you know? You’ve waited so long and I need you to understand how much I’m putting into this and iIm afraid of messing it up.” 

“I don’t need theatrics or anything Harry. I just want you. Please just help me out. Do _something_ .” Louis begged, and so Harry did. He lightly trailed his fingers down Louis’ torso like he had done minutes ago, but this time instead of avoiding the older mans cock, he slid his index finger up and down the big vein on the underside of it. Now that Harry knew what he was doing, he allowed himself a chance to actually _look_ at Louis, and _God_ , how had he ever seen anybody else this way when he had _this_ right in front of him since he was in the first grade? 

Louis gasped and arched his back into Harry’s touch. Harry took pity and finally wrapped his hand around the mans length, staring at what he was doing in awe. Louis was definitely smaller than himself, but for what he lacked in length, he made up for in width. It made Harry's mouth water. As he started fully pumping the older man, Louis was practically fucking Harry’s fist and all Harry could do was stare. Normally, he likes to dominate his partners, tell them what they can and can't do, but right now, all he physically wanted was for Louis to do whatever he could to get as much pleasure as he wanted. 

Louis was gone to the world at this point. He never knew that a hand could feel this good wrapped around his cock, but after years of imagining what _this_ specific hand would feel like on him; on his cock, his arse, his hips, his face, his everything, it was too much. He was so overwhelmed and all Harry was doing was letting him fuck his hips up and staring at him. Harry was looking at him like Louis was the absolute definition of perfection, and it made Louis want to explode because he felt _loved_ . Harry _loved_ him and that was _all_ that mattered. 

Louis started making these little “uh, uh, uh” noises every time he thrusted into Harry's fist and at this point Harry's cock was crying. He's never been this hard in his life, so with his free hand he ventured down to his own cock and gripped the base, letting out a growl that made Louis’ hips stutter and let out a moan as well. It was all too much. Harry needed to do something more. 

An idea popped into his head that he had never, ever thought would sound like a _good_ idea but right now it didn't seem like any other option would be good _enough_. So without moving the hand he had wrapped around Louis’ length, he slowly moved Louis’ right leg up so his foot was flat on the bed, doing so with the left leg as well.

Louis had never felt more exposed then he did in that moment, knowing his clenching hole was literally right in front of Harry’s face, it made him blush and shove his face into the pillow beside his head, conveniently covering up the noises he was making too. Once Harry could no longer hear those sweet sweet whimpers that he knew were going to fuel his wet dreams for the next eighty years, he stopped what he was doing completely, even letting go of Louis’ cock. 

Louis made a choked off noise before turning his head to look between his legs, making direct eye contact with the man who had a direct path to his hole. Louis’ face flushed.

“Why’d you stop?”

“I want to hear you baby, don’t hide that from me, please.” Harry said while placing his hands on Louis’ knees and slowly sliding down his inner thighs until he was _so, so, so_ close to where Louis wanted him. “I’m gonna do something, and I want you to tell me if its too much, or if you don’t like it, okay?” 

Louis nodded. 

“No, baby, I need a response from you. I want you 100% relaxed.” 

“Yes, Harry. I’m okay. Please do something.” Louis said, expecting Harry to take his cock into his mouth, but came to find his eyes rolling back into his head and his head dropping back onto the pillow once Harry moved lower and sucked one of his balls into his mouth. 

“Ung, God, Harry.” Louis choked. “Fuck.” 

Harry rolled both of Louis’ testicles in his hand, licking over both of them at once. He had Louis’ body shaking in no time, begging for relief. And Harry smirked, because he would be getting release, but not in the way he thought. He took his hands and spread Louis’ thighs as far apart as they would go while still making sure his boy was as comfortable as possible, before leaning down and licking a stripe down Louis’ taint and circling his tongue around the older man’s hole. 

“Fuck! Harry, are you? Jesus Christ.” Louis gasped, and yes, Harry was. So without any further hesitation, Harry licked a long stripe over Louis’ hole, moaning into it. Louis must’ve just gotten a shower, because he smelled like his sweet shower gel and his natural musk that was just so _Louis,_ that Harry knew every other man and woman was ruined for him after this. This has to be what pure bliss feels like. 

And if Harry wasn't feeling it, he knew Louis was. Louis was a thrashing mess above him, rolling his hips into Harry’s face causing his spit to get everywhere, and somewhere in the back of his mind he groaned because he was going to have to clean the sheets _again_ , but for good reason, he couldn't find it in him to actually care, because there wasn't any room. Harry's tongue was now inside of him, and taking up every last logical thought Louis had. 

Harry was switching between licking around Louis’ hole and licking _inside_ his hole, because he just couldn’t get enough. He had always hated going down on girls because he hated everything about it, the texture, the smell, the taste, it was always just gross, but right now? There was nothing else in the world he'd rather be doing. 

At one particularly long stroke of his tongue inside Louis, Louis’ whole body jerked and the smaller man grabbed ahold of Harry's hair and _really_ began working himself on Harry's tongue, and Harry sat there and took it. He wanted to give Louis anything he wanted, so he was going to let him take everything. 

Harry couldn't hold out anymore on himself though, his cock was steadily leaking precum onto the sheets, so he reached down and pumped himself with the hand that didn’t have a death grip on Louis’ thigh. In the back of his head Harry thought about the possibility of a bruise showing up tomorrow, and he couldn’t deny that the thought made his cock _that_ much harder. Louis started rubbing his backside onto Harry’s tongue even harder, along with the shorter pants of breath and the constant “Harry, Harry, Harry, fuck, dont stop, please dont stop,” and Harry knew he just needed a little push to make Louis absolutely lose it. So he took one of his own fingers, covered it in some of his precum as some form of lubricant, and slowly pushed it in alongside his tongue. Louis’ mouth dropped open in a silent scream, and his hands gripped Harry’s hair hard enough to be edging the line of genuine pain. Louis grabbed his own length and started pumping in time with Harry’s tongue, Harry doing the same thing with his free hand and his own cock.

“Ha-Harry. Haz. Im gonna cum. Im gonna cum. It feels so good, please don’t stop, please, please, please,” and continued rambling things that wouldn’t make sense unless you were Harry. On one of the strokes into Louis, Harry crooked his finger and Louis all but jumped off the bed.

“Oh God! Right there. RIght there Harry, don't stop.” 

“Yeah?” Harry asked, removing his mouth to continue pumping his index finger in and out of Louis at an almost inhumane pace while kissing up and down the other man's thighs. “You like that? Right there?” He accentuated every sentence with a thrust and push to Louis’ prostate, causing the man to be a wiggling mess on the bed. “Is that your spot baby? What if I just rubbed on it? Do you think you could cum just from that? Huh? I think you could.” Harry had no clue where the words coming out of his mouth were coming from, but Louis was obviously enjoying them, so he didn’t bother thinking about it. 

“Uh, uh, yes, yes, please. I could cum from that. Please, please let me come. Please harry, please.” Louis was crying at this point, tears flowing freely down his face, and harry slowed down to kiss them off of his cheeks. He crooked his finger inside Louis again, finding the spot now with ease, and Louis cried out. Harry held true to his promise though, keeping his finger directly on that little nub inside of louis, rubbing in circles and keeping constant pressure. Louis’ body was threatening to jump off the bed with the amount of movement he was doing.

“Fuck! Harry. Please please don't stop.” Louis begged, and with one last hard shove to Louis’ prostate and a lick around his finger, Louis was cumming ribbons up his chest, some of it even reaching his nipples. The noise that Louis let out will be forever stuck inside Harry's brain, he's sure of it. Harry kept up the pressure on Louis prostate, massaging him through the aftershocks of what was hopefully the best orgasm of Louis’ life, because Harry had never actually seen him in the act until now, but he likes to think he knows a good orgasm when he sees one. 

Eventually louis got too sensitive for harry to keep up the touches on his bum, so he whined and pulled harry up to his mouth. Slowly sliding his hand out of Louis, he grabbed the side of Louis’ face and kissed him, not hard, but with enough power to hopefully get the message across.

“I need you,” Harry gasped into Louis’ mouth. “Can you feel it? Feel how fucking _hard_ you make me? I need you so bad Lou.” 

Harry _was_ going to just rut against the sheets, or maybe Louis’ thigh if he’d let him, but his hips stuttered and his breathing stopped when he felt Louis’ dainty hand wrap around his thick and leaking length. 

“Fuck, Louis, you’re so hot. I love you so much.” Harry took to marking Louis’ neck with lovebites literally anywhere he could reach. Behind the man's ears, down his neck, his collarbones, and with just a couple more strokes, Harry was adding to the mess on Louis’ chest. 

For a minute, they both just sat there in the afterglow of their orgasm hazes, but Harry’s arms were starting to shake and he knew that if he didn’t go get a flannel now he wouldn’t at all and he'd end up waking up all sticky, if Louis even allows him to sleep in his bed, that is.

Standing up, Harry heard his shoulders crack from where they'd been in the same position for too long, and turned around to head to the washroom that was connected to Louis’ room. 

“Wait, where are you going?” Louis slurred, sitting up on the bed, looking like a kicked puppy. Harry felt so defeated. Louis genuinely looked scared. He was scared Harry was going to leave and forget about him again. Without a second guess Harry turned back around and walked over to the bed, grabbing Louis by his cheeks and pulling him into the most tender kiss he's ever given anyone. 

“Louis, I'm not going anywhere. I was just going to fetch a cloth. Don't’ want you to be all sticky.” Harry drug his finger through the mess on the boys torso as he said this, popping the finger into his mouth at the end of the sentence, not missing the way Louis’ cheeks tinted pink and the way the other boys cock twitched, just a little bit. With another kiss to Louis’ lips, Harry ran to the bathroom to get everything he needed. 

\---------

Later that night, the two laid in bed, Harry with his arms behind his head and Louis with his whole body draped across Harry's front.

“We have a lot to talk about, you know that right?” Louis murmured, almost inaudible. 

“I know Lou. And I'm sorry. I know this must be rough. But I promise you that I do love you. I love you so much. I can't explain it. I've loved you for such a long time.” Harry said back, grabbing Louis and pulling him under his chin, kissing his forehead before turning them over so he was spooning the older man. “I could never forget you. I'm so sorry.”

“I know Haz. It’s okay.”

“No, its not,” Harry replied. “But I’ll make it okay. I promise.” 

And with that and one more bone crushing squeeze from Harry, the two fell asleep while listening to each other's heartbeats, knowing in their hearts that, yeah. Everything _will_ be okay. 


End file.
